No Such Thing as Love Revised
by Dervla
Summary: Faith has a secret, a reason to fear love. But what is it? Is there a reason she must hurt Buffy, to keep form letting her in? Revised, but completely different version.
1. It's Over

**No Such Thing as Love**

_Chapter One_

A day hardly passes that Buffy does not think of her; a moment is nothing if they are not together; each day spent without her is a day wasted. Their relationship had started with almost no notice. It came out of nowhere, but seemed to have lasted a lifetime. Neither could pinpoint when it started, but then, an end was not in sight.

It was a relatively cool day in the midst of the Sunnydale summer. Faith lounged on the bench in the Summers' garden, a cool drink hung from her hand. She grinned as Buffy came to her, and crawled on her lap.

"All right Babe?" Faith half-crooned.

Buffy sighed, "Never better."

Faith grinned when Buffy glanced up. But it was Buffy that failed to meet her eyes, and Buffy that missed the look there. Faith was happy, but she wasn't calm, and she wasn't ready. She doubted she would ever be. Buffy would say it again, Faith would laugh, kiss her, change the subject, anything to get out of responding.

Buffy snuggled closer, nestling her ear against Faith's chest, "I love you."

Faith heart rate soared. Her heart banging against her chest. She was not, and never would be, ready for that. A Distraction! Faith's head swung round the garden, looking for anything.

"Faith…" Buffy sat up slowly, having sensed the change in Faith's heart rate, "Baby?"

"Let's play golf."

"Eh…What?" Buffy said, taken aback.

"Golf." Her voice held a tone of finality to it.

And that's how that ended. There would be no conversation, no explanation, Buffy knew that. So she played golf.

&&&

It had probably three months since they had played golf. Buffy lay on the bed, watching the rain as it thundered outside. It brought a thousand memories for her. Memories of Faith, their first kiss; their first picnic; their first fight. Everything with them seemed to revolve around the rain.

Buffy watched with a silent tear running down her face. A Photo of her and Faith balanced on her bedside table. It had been taken about 3 days after they'd met, maybe less. In it, Buffy shot a deadly glare at Faith who grinned as she posed for the photo.

Buffy loved the photo. It represented them to a Tee. There was so much innocence in faith, even as it went with her all 'evil' demeanour. She never seemed to notice how Buffy felt, or when things went unsaid between them. Like they were now.

There was nothing to build on between them. No hate or rage to build between them. Buffy was spent. She'd given up. To her, Faith was everything, but to Faith, she was nothing more than a good fuck. Maybe not even that. How could Buffy believe that? She had no other choice.

They'd been together for too long, not that Buffy believed that, but there was only so long a person should stay in such a destructive relationship, right? If the love was one-sided, as Buffy was certain it was, it would hurt her less to break it off. Buffy sighed, she didn't want to, but felt she had no other choice.

Buffy watched as Faith walked down the street, leather jacket wrapped around her, acting as if she had not a care in the world. Probably horny too, expected Buffy to satisfy her every need. Well not tonight.

Buffy hurried down the stairs to meet Faith. She pushed open the front door long before Faith had reached it, walking out to meet Faith. They stood for a second staring at each other. Fear shone from Buffy's eyes, fear and uncertainty, Faith's remained emotionless, almost cold, as always.

One last chance. This was Faith's last chance. Buffy moved forward until she was nose-to-nose with Faith. "I love you."

Three little words, that's all it took. Faith stepped back and grinned, "Let's go inside and get a party started." Buffy missed the shiver that ran though Faith's body. She didn't see the lie in her eye or the pain in her heart.

"I can't." Buffy shuddered, tears running down her face, mingling with the rain on her cheeks. "I love you, I do. But this is killing me." She was shaking now. Terrified, but she forced herself to say it. "It's over Faith. I can't do it anymore. We're over."

Faith's face went blank, but only for a moment. "You're being silly B. This is just a fling B." Tears ran from Faith's eyes too, but Buffy missed them.

"How can you say that? It's been over a year. I know you love me, Just tell me it. Please?" Buffy's eyes were wide with tears, imploring Faith to fix it.

"No. I don't love you. I never have, and never will."

"Why?"

Faith looked down at her girlfriend through dark brown eyes and spoke in a harsh voice, "Because there is no such thing as love."

Buffy's whole body shuddered. She fell to the ground, not noticing as she collapsed in the mud. Her world collapsed around as she began to sob. There were no words to describe how she felt, no words, only noise as Buffy screamed her pain to the world.

Faith paused for a second, her hand reaching toward Buffy. She pulled it back. There was nothing she could do. Faith walked into the house and grabbed her knapsack, stuffing some clothes, weapons and food into it. She walked straight past Buffy, who remained curled, screaming, in the mud. Faith walked straight and true, away from Buffy and Sunnydale.

&&&

Well I have finally gotten around to re-writing this. I'm posting it separately for not, but will eventually take down the old version. Hopefully I can get the second chapter of the new version up soon. I do, however, have to warn you that this will be really different to the previous one as I did not like parts of the old story line. Anyway hope you enjoy the newer version. Please let me know what you think, constructive criticism is welcomed.


	2. Faith's Story

**No Such Thing as Love**

_Chapter Two__: Faith's Story_

Faith sat on the number 325 bus, taking her away from Sunnydale and all the complications there. She stared morosely out the window, watching the streets of Sunnydale pass for what would be the last time. Faith felt this was for the best, she had to get away and California City seemed the best option.

The bus took almost 6 hours, by which point Faith was asleep. She roused herself as the bus came to a stop with a loud screech. Faith lifted her coat and pushed herself from her seat and off the bus. She headed North-East, away from the bus and in the opposite direction to Sunnydale.

With nothing but the clothes on her back, and a small knapsack she didn't plan to get far, but she would try. After a good 3 hours of walking she came to a small hamlet outside of California City. Choosing the run-down motel as her head quarters, she dumped her stuff on the bed before taking off.

She hunted for hours that night, but in such a small place, there wasn't much to hunt for. A feeling of horror was building up inside her, she felt lost and hurt, but she didn't know why. It wasn't love. Faith wouldn't do that to herself again. She couldn't be in love. It wasn't possible. The mere thought hurt too much.

_Next Morning_

Faith was up at nine next morning, and gone almost as soon. She picked up fresh bread in the local bakery and munched as she continued her long, solitary walk. Her heart was in her stomach and her head in the clouds. She couldn't think straight, but continued anyway.

At the next town she reached she caught a bus to Barstow. It didn't take as long as the previous day. However, she arrived feeling more stressed out than before. Her eyes lingered behind her, on the road, and there was a reluctance that remained with her.

She approached the train station in Barstow, and went to the ticket window. "I need to get to erm…" Her eyes quickly scanned the list of destination, "Las Vegas." She could start anew there.

"When would you like to go?" The blonde woman asked her politely.

Faith glared at her, "Today would be good."

The woman nodded, smiling. "There is space on the over-night train. It leaves at 9 and you will arrive in Las Vegas by eight tomorrow morning."

"Great. How much?"

"$32.50."

Faith handed her the money and left. It was already 6 and she was itching for a good fight. She walked the streets for a while, as the sun began to set. Approaching a dark alley, she heard scuffling and quickly entered. It was a bunch of kids.

Disappointed, she continued down the alley. It was dark, there were no lights. She was attacked from both sides. Vampires. It's funny what time can do to you. Faith reacted instinctively, lashing out at both sides before pushing off in front, giving her the higher ground.

The first one ran at her, snarling, lashing his arms. He looked big, but Faith doubted he'd be much of a fight. She dodged under the flailing arms and staked him through the heart. He turned to dust.

The other one rushed at her. She lunged to the side, rolling, dodging, and punching. She wasn't aiming to kill, she was aiming to maim. A punch her, a slash there, the guys rolling everywhere. He grabbed her, taking over, mouth almost at her neck, before she slammed him into the wall and threw him across the alley. She chucked her stake to his heart. The fight ended, stake embedded in the wall.

Faith stood there, panting slightly. A guy appeared round the corner, shouting something. Faith slammed him to the wall, and watched as he slid to the ground, unconscious. She felt better, she felt free and she left. It was quarter to so she ran to make the train. Her heart lighter, and a smile on her face.

_Las Vegas_

It's been three months since Faith arrived in Vegas, and she loves it. There's different guy every night and more than enough money. She wakes up in yet another strange room, her leather clothes scattered around the place. A tap on the back of the neck and the guy's out cold.

Her job's that easy and she smiled each night as she searched the rooms, picking up her clothes, and any valuables she can find. She sneaks out the doors of the various hotel rooms, and on out, a good $3000's worth in her pockets.

That's how life is for the slayer in the city. Sure she still slays, but the life of a whore is so much more profitable. At least that's what she tells herself. It's nothing to do with being lonely, or afraid to sleep in the bed alone. Afraid she might miss her. Faith doesn't do love, and she doesn't do missing. It's just not safe.

"Hey Bill." She said to the owner of the rather posh hotel in which she stays. The Doubletree hotel is near the Vegas strip, but still off it. It's the prefect place to stay, and remain anonymous. The boss may know her, but he couldn't pick her from a crowd. Faith does her job well, she blends in effortlessly.

"Having a nice stay?" He replied politely, recognising the face, but not knowing the name.

"Ah yes, it's lovely." Faith smiled innocently as she makes her way to the elevator and on to her room.

Its nice suite: a living room, small kitchen area, bathroom and a large king bed. The bed is rarely used; she doesn't bring the men back. This is her place. There's one photo on the bedside table. It's not framed and has been ripped in half to show only herself. Faith keeps it anyway. The other half of the photo is in a frame in Sunnydale.

It's night when Faith leaves the room again. She's spent the day on the bed watching TV and eating. During the day is the only time she'll let her thoughts wander, the only time that she is free from her demons. She remembers Sunnydale, and before, but she doesn't regret anything. Faith is, and always will be, certain she made the right decision.

Each night she leaves the hotel at 7 and wanders the 'dangerous' streets. There are no threats to her there though, she's safe and she knows it. Sometimes she fights but normally there's nothing there. It's closer to 1 when she returns to the strip to pick up the first guy that looks at her twice.

He'll normally be blonde and slim. Her price is high, but the guys don't know that until the next morning. It's all about confidence, and Faith has more than enough of that, until something goes wrong. Then she gets mad.

The first time it happened, she was in his hotel room. She couldn't do, that all he wanted, but that was off the table. Against the rules. She wouldn't kiss him. That made him mad and he attacked her, slamming her against the wall.

"I hoped you would do that." Someone else takes over, the slayer in her attacks. Before she knew what had happened he was dead. Slung across the room with a sickening crack, his neck broken and it's all over.

It was self-defence, she tells herself. He attacked first. It's becomes a mantra running through her head as she leaves the room, covering her face, hoping the cameras can't see her.

The headlines the next day tell the story, but there are no pictures, and they can't locate her. Faith is safe. She got away with murder. And there is a thrill to that, she feels free.

Another night, another guy, and it is happening again. As the months move on, she kills them, soon she looking for the stronger ones. The ones that will attack. Eventually it becomes about killing, there is no sex, and she makes so much more money this way. Little does she know it won't last long, the council has located her.

A knock on the door and her world is ending. She answers anyway; unaware of what is on the other side of the door.

"Hello Faith." He's old, wearing a dark, tailored suit and carrying a briefcase. "Can I come in?"

He moves forward, but Faith blocks him. "I don't think so buddy. Who are you and how do you know that name?"

He smiled at her, "We know all about you Faith." He leant forward to whisper in her ear, "Who you are, where you can from," He lowered his voice even more, "and what you have done." She froze. He took a step back, "Now let me in."

There is a hypnotic quality to his voice, and she moved to the side, letting him in. He moved in and she followed. "We?" She asked quietly as she watched him make himself comfortable on a chair.

"The council."

She doesn't look shocked, and her confidence returns to her. "What do you want old man?"

"That's right Faith." He smirked at her, "I'm told you a confidence girl. But you've obviously lost your way." Their eyes meet, each challenging. He stands up. "I'm your watcher."

"Don't need one." She replied automatically.

"I disagree, Faith. We're giving you a chance here, take it."

She shook her head, "There's nothing you can do. You have no power here. I have the power. I am the Slayer." She grinned cheekily at him. "I don't need a watcher."

He shook his head, "You've had your chance." Then he left.

As usual she went out that night. The guy she picked up was taller than her, which was unusual, but still slim with blonde hair. There was something familiar about him but she couldn't place him. She ignored it, she'd probably seen him around.

They went back to his place that night. She found herself distracted, and he wouldn't fight her. Faith was nervous. She never got nervous. It was time too leave.

"I'll be going now kid," She said confidently, "you're not my type."

"Actually Faith, I think I am." He smirked at her. "I can't let you leave."

"Why's that?"

"The council told me not. They need you."

"Who are you?"

"I'm with the council Faith." He sat down on the bed. "You're out of control. We can't let it continue."

She ran at him, attempting to hurt him. With surprising ease he flung her off him and to the other side of the room where she was knocked out against the wall. He smiled slightly, before checking her pulse then leaving.

Faith came through some time later, chained to a chair in the back of a van. She shook the chains, testing their strength; she doubted she could break them. Looking around she found the van was moving. It seemed the blonde guy was driving, and there was someone with him.

Faith leaned forward to try to hear their conversation, but it was impossible. It seemed the glass between them was sound proof. She pushed forward and flipped over, moving her hand-cuffed hands in front of her.

She smiled slightly too herself. They probably weren't aware she could do that. It was just something she'd always done, not a slayer thing because B couldn't do it, just a Faith thing. The hand cuffs were tight, and she was trying to keep quiet so she waited for the van to stop.

After what felt like days, though was really only about 3 hours, the van came to a halt in a gas station. It was closed, had been for years, and long deserted. Faith heard the new guy talking, "Check she's ok and I'll get the guns." His voice was familiar, but somehow different.

This was her chance. Faith leaned forward, stretching the reach of her chains. The door opened and the blonde guy appeared. Before he could react Faith had her legs around his neck and she pulled him in front of her as his friend shot.

"I wouldn't do that mate, you may shoot him." Faith threatened.

There was a pause, then a shot was fired and the blonde died. Faith froze. "We had a deal, death before letting you go."

She heard nothing and waited. Her hands carefully checked the guys' sides; there was a gun and some ammo there. It hurt but she managed to get them free. Feeling much safer with a gun in her hands, she called out, "Ok I get it your serious. You don't expect me to come easily do you?"

There was no reply, maybe she was alone. Then she saw a glimpse of movement in the corner of her eye and the guy was on her. He was much stronger than even her. He held her arms up and locked them above her into a slot on the wall. The strain on her shoulders was agonising. Pulling more cuffs from his pockets, he locked her legs to the other side of the van.

Faith was stuck. She couldn't move, and a cold dread filled her heart as the man looked at her. He was tall and broad, but very plain. Yet there was something unsettling about him. He had bested her without much effort. There was more to this than meets the eye.

"Ah I see you figured it out." He grinned at her.

"Figured what out?" She spat at him, twisting slightly.

"We lied." He smirked. "We're not from the council."

She didn't let the fear she felt enter her eyes. "What's that got to do with anything? I'm still going to kill you."

He smiled. "Don't worry your not." His hand stroked her face. "Don't you recognise me anymore? Am I that different?"

Faith looked closely at him. "I don't know you." She said, but there was a shiver in her voice.

"I think you do, Fay."

Faiths eyes widened and she lashed out, twisting away from him. She stopped as he slammed her against the van. His tongue licked the side of her face. "Still beautiful, Fay, as much as when you were young." She shook with fear.

"I knew you remembered me." He reached forward, ripping Faith's shirt while covering her mouth with his own. His tongue entered her mouth as she tried to scream, but nothing came out.

As you can see this is different to the original story. I prefer this one, so I will probably take the old one down at some point. I have written up to chapter four but need to go over them and make them write before I post them. So you know, from chapter 4 onwards I will attempt to follow the series so my chapter's will give episode names. Please let me know what you think of this. Oh, and if anyone would be interested in beta-ing this please let me know.

Dervla


	3. This Year's Girl

No Such Thing as Love

**No Such Thing as Love**

Chapter Three: This year's Girl (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 4, Episode 15)

Faith awoke abruptly. She was back in the hotel, lying on the bed. Her body was bathed in sweat, but she felt cold. Their sweat had intermingled, she felt dirty. The room was silent, empty. She shook herself, that had been weeks ago. Leaning over she turned on the light.

Her dream had been a strange one, which had woken her. Buffy had been there, she recalled. The room was Buffy's, their, bedroom and sunlight had filled the room. They were making the bed together, something they had never done, and were commenting on the smell, like summer. Faith shook her head again. Buffy was out of her life, but she could think of no-one else.

Faith pulled her legs to her, sitting slowly. She looked around the hotel room, it was empty. Illegal as it was, she had sold most of the furniture in the room, all but the bed. Room Service no longer cleaned the room, but then there wasn't much to clean. She'd run out of money in past few weeks, unable to bring herself to work again, to sleep with men.

With money so low, she doubted she could afford the hotel room for much longer. She had obviously moved hotel, hoping to prevent herself from being found. So far that had worked. Still, she couldn't afford to live there anymore. She had barely eaten, money had run so low. That decided it, she would leave, and she knew just were she had to go.

Later that day

Faith was dosing on the bus to Sunnydale. That had been her most obvious destination. She was sure Buffy would take her in, even just to shelter her for a bit, if Faith could find the right words. She dosed on the bus, dreaming of Buffy. She was running from her, and she had a large knife. Faith was afraid of her.

An old man had woken her. Said she had been shouting. Faith nodded politely and turned away. It scared her how afraid she was of him. Just an old man, but an old man who had touched her, that shouldn't scare a slayer. She had never been so glad to be returning to a place she had once called home.

When the bus finally arrived, Faith felt much calmer. She looked around the familiar bus station, and made her way towards Buffy's home. It was empty when she arrived, but she didn't wait. She hadn't even rung the door bell, just stood there for a while, before looking round the back.

She saw a pile of mail for Buffy. Clearly she hadn't been home in a while. Faith left, not really wanting Buffy's mum to see her. She headed straight to Gile's house and looked in the window.

The whole gang was there. Faith had never felt so glad to see these people. She had missed them, but until now she had not realized how much. Buffy was standing at the fireplace, near a guy sitting on an armchair. Faith didn't know him. She watching in horror as Buffy moved to sit on the edge of the chair, his arm moving around her.

She reeled back, before leaning forward. They're talking about 'the initiative' when the phone rings. Giles answers and hands the phone to Buffy.

"Hello?" Her tone is surprised. "What kind of emergency?" She looks shocked, "No, I haven't. Thank you, but I'm not helping you."

Buffy turns round, briefly glancing out the window. She didn't see Faith though.

"What is it?" Giles asked.

"Faith." Buffy's voice trembled. "She's back. Here. Sunnydale. They want me to find her for them." She was visibly shaking.

Willow rushed over to her and helped her sit down.

"I'd say this qualifies for a "Worst Timing Ever" award." Xander said. He still held a grudge against her for sleeping with him.

Willow shook her head, "What do we do?"

"Well, we'll have to find her." Giles said.

"What about Adam?" Willow asked.

"No. This is more important. I'll go out and look for her." Buffy spoke firmly, but Faith could see the flash of pain in her eyes.

"And when you find her?" Giles asked.

"Oh! I have an idea. Beat the crap out of her!" Willow was definitely not fond of Faith.

Buffy looked sharply at her. That was a definite No. Faith felt better for that.

Buffy sighed, "I'm not sure I can do this. We have no idea where she is. We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling..."

"Who she's doing." Xander added in.

Buffy ignored him. "She could be terrified. Maybe she doesn't even remember. Or maybe she does and she's sorry and she's alone hiding somewhere."

"She hurt you Buffy but you can't forget that she's dangerous." Buffy looked at Giles, stunned. "She is being hunted by the council for all she's done. Faith's a slayer Buffy, you know how strong she is."

Buffy nodded. "I'll be careful, but she won't hurt me." There was a smidgen of doubt in her eyes. "Will she?"

Giles looked her in the eye. "Don't trust her. With a girl like that you can never know." She nodded, agreeing with him.

"Eh Who's Faith?" The guy asked.

Faith felt those words like a knife to the stomach. It felt as if Buffy had sliced her open and left her for dead. She had clearly moved on, was in love with that guy, whoever he was. Faith had never felt rage like that, the jealousy building in her. It was so different.

She left, not knowing what to do or where to go. Buffy wouldn't help her, she would help them. The council would find her, because Buffy would help them locate her. She felt sick, betrayed. She wanted revenge.

The Next Day at Sunnydale University

Faith stood looking at the notice board, her back to where she could hear Buffy and Willow approaching. She could hear them talking.

"So what did you tell Riley?" Willow asked.

"The truth? That she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits hi-jinks ensue?" Buffy joked back. Faith couldn't help but grin at that.

"It's good you guys have such an honest relationship." Willow replied.

"No." Buffy replied. "I told him the story. I vagued up a couple of bits, but no flat out lies."

"That's fair. So have you decided what you will do when you run into her."

"I guess that depends on her, on how she responds to me."

"Would you choose her over Riley?"

Faith took that as her queue to enter, "Yes, would you?" She said as she turned round. "So, check you out B. Nice, the big girl on campus thing's really working for you." Faith felt betrayed, she wanted to deliver some punches.

"I've been looking for you." Buffy looked drawn up, like she'd closed a hard shell around her; no-one was getting in.

"You haven't been looking very hard."

"How are you?"

"Five by five B." She looked hard at her, looking for something, anything to show affection. Buffy's face was hard, unyielding.

"Where have you been?" Buffy asked.

Faith smirked. "Being hunted." She saw that look in Buffy's faith. "You helped them. You helped them find me." She saw flashes of him, the man who called her Fay. Anger flooded her from all angles. He flashed in front of her. And she lashed out, throwing her body against her.

Before Faith could fully comprehend what was happening, or how it happened, her and Buffy were locked in combat. She had lashed out in fear, but it had turned into this. A fight on the Sunnydale University campus. Fists flailing and connecting, bruising.

She pulled back as she heard the sirens. Her eyes widened, and she stared at Buffy one last time. Then Faith took off, running over the fence, and along it. She saw Buffy look over for her but she kept going, slinking away. She returned to the crypt, in which she had spent the previous night, to think.

Later that Night

Faith stood at the shop, looking at the knives in the window. It would be so easy to break in and get one. She liked knives, they made her feel secure, and strong. Sirens approached behind her again, and she moved on, walking with a group of college students. These could be Buffy's friends, but she wouldn't know that, she didn't know anything about her now.

Faith continued down the street. She stopped in her tracks when she saw him, a demon. He was awful to look at. "Faith." She paused again, how did he know her?

"Who are you?" She called out.

"I have something for you." His voice rasped at her. "From an old friend."

She ran at him, breaking his neck swiftly. Bending down she picked up the item he had dropped. Some strange toy thing. There was a letter with it. She didn't recognize the writing.

Use this for understanding

To find truth were truth is hidden

Love where love is lost

Hope in hopeless times

Faith didn't understand, but maybe it could help her. Love was lost, the truth was hazy and she felt hopeless. She was being chased by a shadow, by a man and by her past. This could help fix at least one aspect of her life, it could help bring understanding to her life, love, with Buffy.

With that in mind, she walked towards the summer's residence. If she could just use this on Buffy, maybe they could talk again. She wondered if Buffy could forgive her for hitting her. But then Buffy got hit so often, this must have hurt her though. Faith had hurt her, and she needed understanding.

Joyce opened the door at her knock. "Hello Faith." Joyce looked stern, and she didn't smile.

"Hi." Faith was unsure if Joyce knew what had gone on today, she doubted it though. "Can I come in?"

Joyce nodded, and moved out of her way. "Buffy's not home."

"Oh. I wasn't sure where to look for her."

"I'll call her for you." Joyce went into the kitchen, leaving Faith standing in the hallway. She sat down in the living room.

Faith wasn't sure what was said in that phone call, but Joyce returned looking decidedly more nervous. "She's on her way."

Faith could tell that Joyce now knew what had happened, she had to play her cards right from now on. "I'm not going to hurt you, you know."

Joyce looked at her, somewhat surprised, "I don't know what you mean."

"I know Buffy told you we fought today. I didn't mean too. I would never hurt her. You have to understand that." Faith approached her, leaning so she could look straight in her eye. "I made a mistake. I can't make it right but-"

She was cut off abruptly as Buffy launched at her from the side. Maybe she thought Faith would hurt her mother. The attack was ferocious. They fought, but neither wanted to kill or even hurt.

They exchange words meant to hurt, meant to weaken. Faith insulted the boy, Riley as she had discovered, while Buffy turned her disappearance against her. They continued to grapple, moving together in such familiarity. Faith could feel Buffy against her, and she wanted her.

As she fought, Faith slipped her hand into her pocket, putting the strange device on. In a moment she grabbed Buffy's hand. Faith grabs her hand and holds it tight, the small device between their palms. A glowing light starts to emanate from their hands as the device activates. Then both young women react as if hit by a shockwave.

Faith panics as she looks into her own face, and smacks her, knocking her to the ground, unconscious. She stares in awe at the device in her hand.

Joyce approaches, "You Okay?"

"All things considered." She's not sure what else to say. Faith had not expected this. She wasn't sure how to handle it.

"What is that?" Joyce asks, motioning to the device.

"Some kind of weapon." She throws it to the ground. "Didn't work." She smashes it. A flash of light comes from it, but it is broken. She wonders briefly if that was a mistake. Maybe she won't be able to get back to her body.

There is a bang on the door. "The police. I called them to take her." Faith looks at her blankly, surprised. "I know you probably don't want to, but I think this is for the best."

Faith nods Buffy's head. It feels strange. She watches the police take Buffy away. She's really not sure what to do, or how to deal with this.

To Be Continued

Hope you like it. I'm trying to base it on the real thing, but keep to my story. Please review.

**Next Chapter: **Who are you? 


	4. Who are you?

**No Such Thing as Love**

_Chapter Four: __Who Are You? (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 4, Episode 16)_

Faith stood talking to the detective with Joyce. She was still reeling in shock of what had happened. Still, she didn't feel up to telling Joyce. Maybe this would be like Freaky Friday and eventually fix itself.

She tuned in to hear the detective say, "…she goes to jail pending trial."

"For what?" Faith asked. It sounded strangely wrong in Buffy's voice.

"Murder, and Assault. She's got a lot to answer for."

Faith looked at Buffy on the gurney. At her body on the gurney. She saw the eyes flutter and the mouth twitch, but Buffy didn't wake.

"I just hope she can get some help." Joyce said. Faith looked at her.

"First thing is to keep her from hurting anybody else." The detective replied.

Faith was silent. She watched the ambulance drive away, her body and her love in the back of it. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea she thought. But then it was too late to change anything.

"…the kid."

"She's not a kid." He looked at her. "I just mean she's strong."

That struck a thought in her. Was Buffy as strong as her? She could find out, she could be Buffy. Buffy is amazing. "She truly is." Faith muttered, voicing her thoughts.

Faith was quiet for a minute, before following Joyce into the living room. She rubbed her hands together and up over her face. The features are familiar, yet so different then she remembers. She looks at Buffy's hands, at her hands. They feel strange.

"Faith"

Her head snaps up so quickly it might break. Caught.

"Why do you think she's like that?" Joyce finished.

Relief filled her. "Oh you know she's a nut job."

She wasn't sure what to say, or do. Months ago Faith had know Buffy. Then she could have pulled this off easily. Now, not so much. She's not quite sure how to handle it all. The loving hug from Joyce, the promises she needs to make. Faith makes them to satisfy her, before leaving to bathe.

~&~&~&~

The water feels amazing as she soaks in the bath. Faith attempts to ignore how strange it feels, how lonely. She's in Buffy's bathroom, but Buffy isn't there, well not really. Her hands run up and down the familiar body. It's skinnier than before, but still the same, still Buffy, still hers. Her hand runs up the leg and she laughs to herself, this is quite the situation to be. Stuck inside your ex-girlfriend's body, who would have thought?

She climbs out of the bath and wraps a towel around herself. Then she catches her appearance in the mirror. And it hits her. She is Buffy. Buffy. She repeats it aloud. It's so strange, and so safe. Yes, that is how she feels. She is safe from him, because he won't hurt her. He can't.

"Why yes, I would be Buffy, may I help you? Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy. Buffy." She stared at the reflection. Could she pull it of? She saw of a flash of her face as Buffy had begun to wake up before being taken away. Maybe she couldn't do this, not to Buffy, but she had to. She to do this for her. She needed to escape.

Speaking as Buffy was weird. Her words seemed to come out wrong. She tried a few phrases that seemed appropriate. It didn't sound right. It didn't feel right. It wasn't right. And how the fuck did any of this help her?!?!

If she every found out who sent her the stupid trinket she was definitely going to kill them. This didn't help her to understand, she just felt more confused. It was rather pointless. She pulled herself up, she had to do something so she went looking for clothes to wear.

~&~&~&~

Faith stared in the mirror, tugging at the neckline of the outfit. "Okay… not too bad…" She murmured to herself. It wasn't perfect, but it would do. Faith wondered over to Buffy's drawers, looking for something to make it better. She pulled out Buffy's passport, "Score." This was her way out. She could leave Sunnydale, then try to fix this body swap thing.

She wondered into Joyce's room and poked through the handbag she found sitting there. Taking the phone she used a credit card to book a flight. She got one for 10am the next morning and, after pulling money from Joyce's wallet, put the stuff away.

Joyce entered as she finished, "What are you doing?"

Faith easily hid the purse from sight and scooped up the letters she'd scattered on the bed earlier, "Just gettin' my mail."

"Oh. That was Giles on the other line. He want you to meet your friends there, said he had news."

Faith smiled she'd like to see them again. They may not have been particularly fond of her, and definitely weren't now, but she liked them. "Yeah. I got some time to kill. I'll go see the gang. All my friends."

Faith wondered over to the dresser grabbing a lipstick, "You don't mind if I steal this, right?"

She was almost out the door when Joyce spoke, "Is that the "Harlot"?"

Faith looked, "Yeah, Harlot."

"That's the same one Faith picked."

Faith froze. Shit. What would Buffy say? How much did Buffy hate her? She tossed it at Joyce, "Burn it." She hurried out of the room, hoping that had been the right thing to say.

~&~&~&~

Faith took a deep breath as she pushed open the door to Giles' apartment.

"Buffy. Good." He welcomed her.

"Wow, Scooby gang's all here. Willow, Xander, and…" There was a blonde chick there she didn't know. Shit. Cover up, quick. "…and everyone." Not the best finish there. She looked at Giles who was looking at her. "What's up?" Maybe he wouldn't notice her mistake.

"It's about Faith, not surprisingly." Giles answered.

Faith pulled herself onto Giles desk, masking the nerves she felt at that. "Didn't mom tell you? I…" She paused, what could she say? What would Buffy say? "I already sorted that out." She looked away, hoping she seemed as pained as she would have liked Buffy to feel.

"I feel a high five coming on…" Xander stated. Faith looked at him.

"Where is she?" Willow asked, concerned … almost.

Faith looked over to her. "The cops took her about an hour ago. She should be in jail soon."

"Unless I'm mistaken, Faith is no longer in police custody." Giles told her.

She jumped up, that grabbed her attention. "What are you talking about?"

"The watchers council?"

"Those geeks?"

"Yes, those "geeks" have sent a retrieval team to capture Faith."

"Right cause that will work. They couldn't take her before, why is not any different?"

"They sent an operations team. They handle the council's trickier jobs. Smuggling, interrogation, wetworks." Giles looked serious, maybe this was a big deal.

"What's wetworks?" Willow asked.

"Scuba type stuff." Xander answered her.

"I thought it was murder." The blonde chick stated.

"Well, yeah, but, there could be, underwater… murder… with the snorkles…"

"So the Watcher's Council has assassins on payroll? Sweet buncha guys." Faith couldn't help but show an interest here. She needed to know what she was up against.

"They've never had a contract on a **human** that I know of, but in the world of international sorcery, things get… complicated. It's not all pointy hats and purple cloaks, as I'm sure you well know."

"And they're taking her to England?"

"It'll be a long long time before she returns -- if she ever does at all." Faith was silent. She wasn't sure how to take this. She didn't want Buffy, or her body, that far away. This was all turning out wrong.

"I hope they throw the book at her." Willow stated.

"I'm not sure there IS a book for something like this." Giles answered.

"They could throw other things."

Faith looked at her. "I forgot how much you don't like Faith."

"After what she's done to you? I just wish those council guys would give me an hour alone in the room with her… If I was larger and had grenades." Willow's answered angered Faith.

She saw herself whip a big knife out of Giles' desk and plunge it into to Willow's chest. NO! She shook her head, ridding herself of the visions. She stared at Willow as the conversation continued around her.

"What's up?" Willow asked. She looked almost cautious of Buffy's reply.

"I would never let her hurt you."

"It's not me I'm worried about her hurting."

Faith didn't know what to reply to that. She remained silent. The conversation continued around her but she wasn't really listening. She needed to go. "I'm away to patrol. You guys have your fun." She started to leave.

"Be careful. Adam's still out there, even if Faith isn't." Giles warned.

"Yeah, Adam…" Faith felt herself clam up, who was Adam? "What's up with him?"

"I wish we knew."

"Yeah, well, don't sweat it."

She left quickly. Faith needed a break, a heads rush. Something slaying couldn't quite do for her. She went to the Bronze.

~&~&~&~

Faith pushed her way out of the dancing crowd to get a drink at the bar. She bumped into a blonde guy she recognized.

"Oh you" He said.

Shit. Buffy knew him. "And you."

She wasn't sure what to do her. "I'm just going." Faith started to walk away.

"Oh, fine! Throw it in my face! 'Spike's not a threat anymore, I'll just turn my back, he can't hurt me…'" She shouted after her.

Faith turned, looking him up and down. "Spike . . . William the Bloody. With a chip in his head. I kind of love this town." It was quite ironic.

"Gah! You know why I really hate you, Summers?"

"I don't care." She walked away. Buffy obviously didn't like Spike, probably the whole vampire thing, so she would just leave. It seemed appropriate.

Faith quickly found people to dance with. Strangers. People who didn't know Buffy. People she couldn't make mistakes with. She threw herself into the party atmosphere, quickly getting caught up in the excitement.

Faith gets bored and wonders off, right into Willow.

"Hey Buff." Willow calls. Buff? Is that a new nickname or something? It sounds stupid.

"Willow. And…" Oh crap, another blonde she doesn't recognize.

"Buffy this is Tara."

"So we've never met." Tara shakes her head. "Okay. Cool. I'm having a thing with names."

"Tara was in my wicca group." Willow said by way of an explaination, not that it helped Faith.

"Uh huh."

"So what's going on? Patrol no go?"

Faith sat down with the girls. "I got tired. The whole Faith thing… I wanted to let off some steam."

"Good for you. You can't work yourself too hard."

"That's my philosophy." This was hurting her but she had to keep her head up. Her and Willow had never exactly got along, but the hate that Willow seemed to project when Faith was mentioned, it was overwhelming. Still she couldn't have hurt Buffy so badly if she had moved on so easily.

"Anybody want a soda?"

Faith shrugged in response while Tara asked for water. She looked at Tara. "You guys have been hanging out a lot, huh?"

"Yeah. She's really cool."

"So Willow not driving stick anymore. Who woulda thought? Guess you never know a person till you've been inside their skin." She watched Tara getting a little flustered. Hmm, maybe this was news to Buffy too. "And Oz is out of the picture? I never did see two people so much in love. She just couldn't get enough of old Oz."

"She, uh, said he www…"

"He www? You gonna get that sentence out sometime tonight?"

Faith felt a bit mean, but then she was out of her depth. She was panicking and lashing out. Probably not the best move when trying to be Buffy, but what else could she do?

Willow rushed over at that point. "Buff. Guy in the corner."

She looked over. "Oh yeah. Good call."

"What?" Tara asked, still sounding stricken after Faiths not so discreet attack.

"Vampire."

"He's wicked obvious." Willow looked at her expectedly. "So I better slay him them."

"You want help?"

"I got it."

She grabbed a snooker cue and wandered out to find the vampire already biting the girl. After slaying him she told the girl to put some medicine on her neck and returned to the bronze. Inside Faith found Willow and Tara on the dance floor.

Willow told Faith they were leaving and asked if she would be home that night or would be at Riley's. Faith grinned at Willow. Oh she would definitely go to Riley's. She need to know who was messing with HER Buffy.

~&~&~&~

Faith lay with Riley on top of her. They stare at each other with equal focus as he strokes her hair gently. "I love you." He softly says.

Horror rushes through Faith as she pushes him off her, struggling to get away. "No… No… Get –" The panic, confusion and fear rushing through her surprise her. This guy cannot love Buffy, cannot say those words to her. It's not right and it's not meant to be.

"Buffy… what? What's wrong?" He sits on the bed staring at her, looking confused.

"Who are you? What do you want from her?"

"Should I not have…"

"This is meaningless." It has to be! Buffy can't love him. Buffy loves her, Buffy loves Faith. She has to, she just has to.

"You're shaking." He comes to her and wraps a blanket round both of them. "What happened?"

"Nothing." She answers, resting her head on his chest. "Nothing."

It's 8.30 when Faith leaves Riley the next morning. She has a flight to catch. She takes his shirt though she couldn't say why.

~&~&~&~

Faith took the ticket of the check-in lady and looked at it. She was really going to do this. Signing inwardly she walked of towards the departure lounge. Some places would destroy you, she couldn't stay in Sunnydale when Buffy didn't want her. She hoped she had hurt her. But she didn't want to have hurt her.

As she walked towards the lounge she saw a tv on. There was a news report of "three men as frighteningly disfigured, almost inhuman" attacking a church. She stared at it. Buffy would go. Buffy wouldn't think twice. She would miss her flight if she went. She would go because now, she was Buffy.

~&~&~&~

Faith ran up to the church before being pulled aside by Riley with a shout of "Buffy!"

"How many are in there?" She asked.

"We think there's three."

"I can do three."

"Not alone… Wait till the troops get here. They're still mobilizing."

"How'd you respond so fast?"

"I didn't. I was just late for church." She almost laughed at that. It was so, ironic, almost idiotic.

"The troops get here, you send 'em in, but I'm going."

"I don't want you risking –"

"Don't tell me what to do! I'm Buffy, I… This is what I have to do." She needed to do this. If she could do this, if she could save these people, maybe she could save herself. Maybe her and Buffy still had a chance.

"Then I'm coming with."

Faith reached out and squeezed his side. He doubled in pain, "I can't use you." Getting ready to go in she turned to look at him, "Someone comes out, you get 'em to safety. Unless they got fangs."

Faith entered the church, walking up the isle to face the vampire. "I told the cops they send anyone in, I start the whole massacre thing…"

"Well, I'm not the cops. I just come to pray."

He moved towards her. "Now's a good time to start."

"You're not gonna kill these people." She can her something behind her, assuming it one of the vampires.

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong."

The vamp behind lunges at her. She uses his momentum to toss him the side. The vampire approaching pauses. "You're the slayer."

"The one and only."

She looks carefully at him, and round at the congregation. She needs to get the people out as soon as possible. "Simple deal. You let everyone go, I let you walk. If I were you, I'd think about it. This offer is not available in stores."

"You think we're afraid of you? We're not afraid of anything anymore."

"Then let these people go, and you can all three take me on."

"I got a better idea." And he attacks. She fights back as they exchange blows in the centre isle. The congregation scatter to the sides, terrified. One vampire grabs his cloaks and runs from the church while his two friends converge on Faith.

Faith dusts one but the other seems to be winning. He just keeps coming at her and has her one the ground with him pounding on her. "I have strength you couldn't dream of! Adam has shown me the way and there is nothing that can -- gnnnnh –"

He dusts and Faith finds herself face to face with Buffy. She stares at her own face staring back at her. At Buffy staring back it her. And something in her breaks, there's no love in that look. She launches at Buffy.

Buffy responds, but is obviously startled by the ferocity of Faith's attack. "You can't win this –"

"Shut up! You think I'm afraid of you? You're nothing!" She has Buffy pinned, but isn't fighting Buffy anymore. She fighting herself. "You're disgusting! A useless, murderous bitch!" She crying now, tears flooding her eyes, blurring her vision. Buffy isn't even defending herself. "You're nothing! You're weak, pathetic!"

Buffy takes her chance to grab Faith's hand and the girls are thrown back into their own body's. Faith stares up into Buffy's face. She can feel the bruises on her body, and the pain is almost overwhelming. Whether it was her body or not she just beat Buffy.

She pushes away and takes off out the door. When she returned to Sunnydale she never thought she'd run away from Buffy again but here she was. She wasn't ready, she was weak and she didn't deserve Buffy. Not that Buffy wanted her anyway.

~ To Be Continued ~

Sorry that took so very long, but it was surprisingly hard to write. I hope you enjoyed it. I will try to get the next bit up soon, but am returning to uni so don't know when I'll get the chance. Let me know what you think :-)

**Next Chapter:** Five by Five


	5. Five by Five

**No Such Thing as Love**

_Chapter Four: Five by Five (Angel, Season 1, Episode 18__)_

~&~&~&~

Faith stepped down off the bus. She looked round the bus and wandered off. This was L.A. She had come here for one reason, and one reason only, payback. She had to prove to Buffy she was evil. She had to prove it to herself. And this was the party town.

As she walked away from the main building through the buses, a guy stopped her, "New to town, right?" She continued walking as he fell in beside her. "You got that new in town look. This is a dangerous part of town this time of night for a young lady, you know? Lot of people down here try and take advantage of a situation like that. - Especially if you don't have any money - place to stay. - I might be able to help."

Faith stopped, and turned to look at him. He was right, she did need those things, and she knew exactly how to get them. "I'm cold."

He started to take of the jacket saying, "Oh, yeah? Warm is my middle name."

Faith hit him in the stomach. As he doubled over she continued to hit him, kicking him until he lay unconscious on the ground. She bent down taking his keys and wallet out of his jacket. "Now I got money – and a place to stay." She takes his jacket and puts it on. "I think I'm gonna like it here."

~&~&~&~

Faith was dancing in yet another club she'd found here. This really was a city to party, and she was partying! She swirls into a dancing couple. Moving into the girl but quickly deciding she should be dancing with the guy. She takes his arms and puts them round her waist.

"Excuse me!" The girl says.

"Okay, you're excused." She smiled, half wishing the girl would stay and dance with her. But Faith had decided, if she was evil, she wasn't gay and she liked this guy.

"Really." She pulled out his shirt, pretending to look down it, like she cared. "You have your name on him? Because I don't see it - anywhere."

"Billy! Do something!" She shouts at her boyfriend.

"Yeah, Billy, do something – like this!" She elbows the girl in the face, regretting it. As Billy tries to defend her Faith easily avoids it and he stumbles into a guy behind her. Before she knew the bar erupted into a fight, and she danced through the middle, thoroughly enjoying the chaos.

~&~&~&~

Faith walked out of the bar with the blonde woman in the fancy suit, "I guess we could go somewhere and talk, but I'm not much of a talker. I'm more of a doer."

"I think you might have misunderstood my intentions." She said looking every so slightly nervous.

"I think you misunderstood mine. I like that watch. Diamonds, right?" Petty theft could be fun, and it was a nice watch. Maybe a decent present for Buffy – No! She couldn't think like that. Her and Buffy were over!

"Faith."

Her head snapped up so quickly it hurt. "How do you know that name? I don't think I told you." She kept her stance threatening, hiding the terror she felt. Could they she know him? Had he found her already?

"We are well aware of who you are - and what you do. We know you have been experiencing some - difficulties. We think we can help bring some order back to your life."

"We do, do we? Who is we, and why do they know me when I don't know Jack about you?"

"Green - is my favorite color. I look good in diamonds - and I love riding in limousines."

She turned round at Lilah's nod to see the back door of a black limousine opened from the inside. There was a guy sitting in the back, "Faith – can we talk?"

She looked back at Lilah, "I like black." Then she climbed into the limo, followed by Lilah. This would be interesting, to say the least. Maybe she could get more than a diamond bracelet out of this.

~&~&~&~

Faith paced the floor of an office in 'Wolfram & Hart's', not exactly somewhere she knew much about but it was interesting enough.

The lawyer – Lindsey – she had been introduced to was talking, "A felony arrest warrant from Sunnydale was issued in your name - - physical description is quite accurate. The photograph, however, is - not flattering. - There is a lot of personal stuff that is of no interest to me, but what they do fail to mention is that you are a Slayer."

So they knew quite a bit about her, had obviously done their research. That didn't mean she would help them, she had a feeling they wanted something from her. Everyone always does.

"Which is why we found you so appealing." Lilah finished for him. So they did want something.

"You have a problem. We have a problem. I just had a perfectly good murder case go up in smoke and you seem to - have a certain expertise in that area. So to make a long story - less long - I think if a service is rendered - we can get you off."

Well that did sound interesting. Still she was evil – right? – and couldn't be that easily persuaded, "You don't know how many man have promised me that."

"I'm certain you won't be disappointed in our performance." She looked at Lilah, this could work for her.

"Who am I supposed to kill?"

"Please understand that we would never advocate the killing of another human being. - His name is Angel. - He's somewhat of a private..."

"No problem." Angel …. Just who she had been looking for. Who better than Angel? His death would be payback enough. His death would hurt Buffy. She almost flinched at that, but then she wanted to hurt Buffy, right?

"Don't you want to know anything more?" He seemed put off by her eagerness. Little did he realized she already had all the information she would need.

"Yeah. Besides getting me off, how much are you going to pay?"

"It might behoove you to know more about your intended. So, before we discuss remuneration..."

"Huh?" Maybe she should have listened when Buffy said she needed top improve her English.

"Payment. I want to make sure you understand that this firm is in no way connected to - anything you do. - It's my ass on the line here. I don't want you to make me look bad."

Annoying little man. She grabbed his necked and slammed his face on the table – repeatedly. "How do you look now?" Faith had forgotten this could be fun, beating the wimpy into oblivion. She smiled lightly to herself.

Without looking up she listened as Lindsey changed the dinner reservation from 4 down to 3. She looked at the hand slamming the guys head into the table – it almost wasn't hers.

~&~&~&~

"And while we're on the subject - I think one of us should apply for a small business loan." Faith approached a ways behind Angel, she could hear the tail end of their conversation. Of course Cordelia was talking about money. "Just to get us through the rough spots." Faith lifted her crossbow and took aim at Angel's back. She pulled the trigger. "I meant what's a thirty year loan to you?"

Angel turned round in time to snatch the arrow from just in front of his chest. Faith is very impressed, "That was so cool! This is gonna be fun!"

She grinned cheekily at him before turning to run out the door and into the sunshine – where he can't follow.

~&~&~&~

Faith opened the blinds in the office as Angel entered. She stood in the sun as it flooded the room. "Hey, baby! Come give us a hug." There was something about taunting Angel that was so fun, and they both knew who the baby referred to, and exactly what Faith was taunting him with – Buffy.

Angel stood in the door, "I was hoping you'd stop by. Always good to see old friends." Faith pulled out a revolver and cocked it. "What's this? Wooden bullets?" That's a good idea actually, Faith thought, she should look into it.

"Ooh, good idea! But no, this is for you. You know - I'm going to kill you slowly and inventively, so I'm gonna give you one chance to..."

She throws the gun to him. Angel catches it and immediately shoots at her right leg. She hadn't expected him to fire instantly but she laughs at him anyway.

"Blanks." He stated tossing the gun back to her, "Nice."

"You didn't shoot to kill." That had surprised her. "We're gonna have to up the stakes, get you in the game a little."

"What's the game exactly, Faith? Boredom? Revenge?" A little bit of both actually.

"Dude, I'm getting paid. They hate you almost as much as I do.

"Ever occurred to you this might be more fun for me?"

She hadn't thought of that, but then it couldn't be true. He was good and 'soulful'. He wouldn't enjoy killing her.

"You think? Because what if you kill me - and you experience that one true moment of pleasure? Oops! I'd get off on that. Go ahead. Do me. Let's take that hell ride together. Come on, Angel, I'm all yours! I'm giving you an open invitation. - Jeez, you're pathetic! You and your little tortured soul, got to think everything through. Well, think fast, lover. You don't' do me, you know I'm gonna do you!"

She aimed the gun at Anegl and shot straight at his chest. His gasp of pain was fascinating as he realed back, "Gosh. That wasn't a blank. Let the games begin." She took one last look, almost regretting her decision, before jumping out the window, shattering the glasses.

She ran of down the street, thinking of how she could gte Angel in the game. Make it easier to hurt him, when he fought back things got easier. She could kill him if he would at least try to kill mind landed on Wesley and Cordelia, his friends. She hurts them, and he'll be ready to kill her. Plus she owed Wesley one.

~&~&~&~

Breaking into Cordelia's apartemtn had been surprisingly easy. She heard the door open and slam shut, then open again. Cordelia and Wesley entered. They were preparing to leave. She waited until Cordelia approached where she was waiting before revealing herself.

"I've got a little problem. I don't feel Angel's in the game. But, somehow, I feel you guys are the keys." Wesley hung up the phone. She smiled slightly. "Not what can I do to *really* make him hate me?"

"Faith" She can tell he's starting.

"Shut up Wesley." Faith doesn't care what he has to say. He can't change anything, not now, not ever. He has no power over her. No-one does – cause she's bad, she's evil. And that makes her safe. It makes her strong.

"It's not too late."

He just won't give up that easily will he? "For cappuccino? 'cause it just keeps me up."

"It's not too late for me to help you." Ha what could he do? Nothing! Faith was impermeable to his weak arguemenst.

"Yes. We want to help you." Cordy piped up.

"I realize there have been failures, on both sides." Obviously referring at his ill-fated attempt at being her watcher. "But I also believe in my heart that you are not a bad person."

Faith elbowed Cordelia in the face. She definitely deserved and Faith didn't feel her usual twinge of regret. Cordelia fell to the floor, unconscious.

"What do you believe in your heart now?"

Wesley hit her. She pulled back up, holding her lip. He was stronger than she remembered – but still not as strong as her. "Alright, Wes! My turn!" She kicked him across the room. He was knocked unconscious. She decided to take him with her.

~&~&~&~

Wesley was bound and gagged to the chair she had sat in the middle of the apartment. She paced slowly in front of Wesley. It was almost fun to torture him, to hear him scream. She runs at him and jumps onto his lap. His muffled scream is like a harmony to her ears. She licks her fingers and rubs under his right eye, watching him squirm.

"All these little cuts and bruises just bring out the mother in me." She taunted him before she took his face in her hands and slapped his face – hard. "Come on. Now, now, don't poop out on me, damn it! Otherwise this all is just gonna be over too fast, and you'll be dead and I'll be – bored." He staring to loose consciousness again. "Come on Wesley! Where is that stiff upper lip?"

She climbs off of him. "Now, we've only done one of the five basic torture groups. We've done blunt - but that still leaves sharp, cold, hot and loud. Have a preference?" He nods and she smiles, always more fun if he helps her. She pulls the gag out of his mouth. "Well, that great! It's always better with audience participation. May I take your order please?""

Wesley spits to the floor and she waits for him to speak. "I was your Watcher, Faith. - I know the real you - and eve if you kill me, there is just one thing I want you to remember."

"What's that, love?" The word slides of her tongue with an almost wistful tone.

"You – are a piece of sh…"

She cuts him off by stuffing the gag back in his mouth. "You should talk, huh? I guess I'll just have to try a little harder."

Looking round the room she finds a picture frame. Breaking it on the table she picks up one of the glass shards. "We'll switch to sharp for a while." Anything to make the screaming start again. She's starting to enjoy it again.

~&~&~&~

Faith sat at the open window of apartment. She stared at the broken glass in her hand. It was red with blood – blood she had spilt. She let it drop, listening for shatter as it hits the ground. A part of her is shocked, horrified, by what she has done, by how much she has enjoyed it. She sighed, she couldn't afford to be shocked now – she had a job to do.

"That's refreshing. But I'm feeling a little cold." She patted Wesley's cheek. "What do you say we warm the place up?"

She went into the kitchen to pick up a lighter. "Did you ever wonder if things would have been different - if we'd never met. What if you'd had Buffy - and Giles would have been my Watcher? You think you'd still be here right now? Or would Giles be sitting in that chair? - Or is it just like fate. You know, there is no choice. You were gonna be here no matter what." Faith picked up a spray can.

"You think about that stuff? - Fate - and destiny." She walked towards Wesley. "I don't." It was a lie, but she wanted to believe that was true. She held the lighter in front of the spray and depressed the top causing a flame to shoot forth. "Not that this is any of your fault." She continued to play with the improvised flame-thrower. "Since this may be - the last chance we will have to unload on each other, I feel that it is kind of my duty to tell you that if you'd been a better Watcher, I might have been a more positive role model!"

"Face it, Wesley, you really were a jerk. Always walking around as if you had some great big stake rammed up your - English Channel." She frowned and took the gag out of his mouth. "I think I want to hear you scream."

"You never will." His defiance surprises her.

"Admit it, Wesley, didn't you always kind of have the hots for me?"

She brings the flame out closer to his face as the door burst open and Angel walked slowly in. Faith instantly dropped both the can and the lighter. She pulled a knife out and held it to Wesley's throat.

"About time, soul-boy. Ready to play now?"

"I'm ready."

"Okay, you showed. But how do I know you are really in this? I mean if I kill him, would that help, or just be really funny?" She has to taunt him. Make him believe she is truly evil.

"You don't think I know what you're after? I do."

"You I have to kill. Wesley is just for the hell of it." It's true in a way. She needs the money to start her new life.

Angel was walking round slowly meaning Faith had to follow him. She tried to keep Wesley in front of her, between her and Angel, but she had somehow ended up beside him.

"This isn't about Wesley. This is about you and me." He's right about that, Faith can't help but think.

"No, baby, he's payback."

"For what? I thought you were happy with the way you are. By the way you never told me how much I'm worth dusted, just out of curiosity."

"15000 plus expenses."

"You're kidding." She was a bit offended at that, she had thought that was a decent value.

"Hey, I'm young, willing to work my way up." She supposed she could do that. It hadn't occurred to her until she said, but she could always work for Wolfram and Hart. Good money, good lodgings and an evil co-operation, sounded good.

"You feel young, - do you, Faith? - You're looking pretty worn out to me."

As Angel finished speaking Wesley threw himself back, toppling the chair and Angel kicked Faith from him. Faith grabbed a piece of wood and attacked Angel. Unfortunately Angel manages to take the stake from Faith, tossing her over the sofa before breaking it over his knee.

"Is that all you got, vampire? Get in the game."

Faith attacks him again, falling onto the floor on top of him. She keeps hitting him before shouting, "Come on, Angel! I thought you were bad!"

He grabbed her wrist and tossed her off of him. She took the floor lamp and tried to hit him but he avoided the shit so she swept the feet from under hit. Faith tossed him over the sofa and across the room before jumping the sofa after him. She smashed a vase over his back and slammed him into the ceiling. "You can't take me! No on can take me!"

They continue to fight. "Come on!" She shouted at him, trying to egg him on. Angel tackled her and they flew out the window. They fell two stories to land on the lid of a bin. As they rolled off Faith threw Angel around. "You're gonna die!" She all but screamed.

Faith took control and continued to his and kick Angel. As the rain started she screamed, sounding more desperate, "You hear me? - You don't know what evil is! - I'm bad! - Fight back!"

Angel finally grabs her, "Nice try, Faith." He tossed her away from himself and walked away. "I know what you want."

She hit him and he hits back, knocking her to the floor. Faith continued to beat on him, but didn't seem to make much progress.

Angel dodged her attack well, taking it one slam at a time. ""I'm not gonna make it easy for you."

Faith launched herself at Angel intent on hurting him, but she can feel her resolve weakening. "I'm evil! I'm bad! I'm evil! Do you hear me? I'm bad! Angel, I'm bad!" She screamed at him, beginning to sob. Faith grabbed hold of Angel's shirt, shaking him. "I'm ba-ad. Do you hear me? I'm bad! I'm bad! I'm bad. Please. Angel, please, just do it." She's not sure what it is she's begging for, all she knows is that she really needs something.

Faith continued to sob in Angel's arms, "please, just do it. Just do it. Just kill me. Just kill me."

Angel didn't say anything as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her against him. Faith over-balanced and they sink their knees. Faith continued to cry into Angel, ignoring the sound of Wesley dropping the knife in the background.

~ To Be Continued ~

I've just impressed myself. That was pretty quick for me to get the next chapter up. However I'm back to uni tomorrow so please review lots to force me to continue! Hope you liked it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Please review!

**Next Chapter:** Sanctuary


	6. Sanctuary

**No Such Thing as Love**

_Chapter Six: Sanctuary (Angel, Season 1, Episode 19)_

Faith stayed quiet as she stood in the elevator with Angel. It felt like something inside her had broken. She let Angel lead her into a room and sit her on a bed. He spoke but she couldn't respond. This wasn't how things were supposed to have turned out, but for some reason it didn't seem to matter.

Angel wrapped a towel around her shoulders as she curled on the bed. Lying down she closed her eyes, hoping to chase it all away, to forget. She felt Angel place a blanket over her and heard him tell her to rest. It felt distant, hazy, like she wasn't really there, just watching.

He started to leave and she called out to him. An image flashed before her eye of her attacking Angel. It's so appealing, but she blinks it away. He turns back to her, probably expecting to be invited to stay. She shakes her head, saying it's nothing, he leaves.

Left alone, she's scared. It hard to imagine how easy it is for the mirror to crack. For the façade she's hidden behind to fall away. She remembers who she is now. She's not strong, but maybe it's worth being weak as long as she's not evil. Still she's afraid_ he'll_ find her. It's something that shakes her to the core, leaving her curled in a ball, trembling on the bed.

~&~&~&~

Faith jolted awake. She could still feel _his_ hands on her skin. Cold sweat ran down her back as she shuddered, looking around the empty room. She climbed out of the bed. Sleep wouldn't help, but she wasn't sure what would.

She wanders into the kitchen picking things up and putting them down until she hears Angel enter. She leans against the wall in the kitchen. He enters, speaking quietly to her but she doesn't answer.

"-First – I need you to give me that knife."

Looking down Faith sees she is holding a large butcher knife. She turns it over slowly in her had. She has no memory of lifting it, but she hands it to Angel, hesitating only for a second. Buffy's face flashes before her eyes as her hand brushes Angels. Jolting back slightly she lets go of the knife, Buffy. Her reason to fix everything.

"You should be resting." Angel says, sounding like her cares.

"I don't need to rest. You rest." She wanders away. Sleep won't help her now, but she doesn't know what will. Should she hide again? Should she run? Will _he _come for her?

She should run. As soon as she decides it's like everything falls into place. It's so easy to follow a plan, to have a something to do. Buffy's voice echos in her ears, screaming the day Faith left her. Faith can see the anguish in Buffy's face, almost feel the pain radiating from her, even as the memory of that day fills her with sorrow.

Buffy's face changes, hardens, "You killed a man." Faith wobbles slightly, sitting down on the bed. Buffy doesn't know. But she does. And that makes everything so much worse. Buffy knows now. Knows Faith is a murderer. Knows what Faith has become. The idea almost kills her.

She's putting the last of her meager belongings in her bag when Angel comes in, calling her name. Faith glances round, but doesn't answer. She closed her bag, ready to leave.

"You're in no condition to leave here. You walk out that door now and you'll be running for the rest of your life - and my bet is - it'll be a pretty short run." Angel states. There's so much truth in that. He probably doesn't even know how much.

Faith pushes past, trying to shake of the feeling of terror of just how short her run might be. "You know what? It doesn't matter." And maybe it doesn't.

"It's matters to me."

"Why? Why are you doing this? Just stop it. Stop being nice to me." Her voice raises slightly, then falls again, "Am I your prisoner?"

"No. You're not my prisoner."

"Then I'm free to go."

"To where? Back to Vegas?" Faith pauses but continues walking. "You don't have to go out there, into that darkness, alone." She slows down. "I can help you. Remember, this is your choice. You choose to leave. To fall deeper into that darkness." She slows to a stop, her back still to Angel. "You thought you could hide behind this persona. That the real you would still be ok – 5 by 5, right Faith?" She almost nods, wanting that persona back so badly she feels herself start to shake. He's right up behind her now, so close they could be touching. "So tell me Faith, do you like it?"

She turns, slamming her fist into his face as hard as she can. Wishing he would stop, but she feels something inside her break. He doesn't respond, just turns back to her. Her voice is weak as she mumbles her request, "Help me?"

"Yeah." And it's the only answer she needs.

~&~&~&~

She's trying to work the microwave when Angel returns. The doughnuts he brought her earlier are still untouched. She never really liked them. "So how does this work?"

"There is no real simple answer to that. I won't lie to you and tell you that it'll be easy, because it won't be. Just because you've decided to change doesn't mean that the world is ready for you to. The truth is, no matter how much you suffer, no matter how many good deeds you do to try to make up for the past, you may never balance out the cosmic scale. The only thing I can promise you is that you'll probably be haunted, and may be for the rest of your life." Angel replies.

She blinks, "Yeah, I meant the microwave."

"Oh." He comes over and puts the popcorn on for her. "Will that be enough for you?"

"Yeah, practically live on the stuff. Tell Cordelia I'll pay her back."

"I think it was Wesley's actually."

She stops. A flash of his face, the pain as she sliced into his skin. She shakes her head, "Maybe we don't say anything then."

"Maybe we do."

"You mean I gotta apologize?"

Angel nods. "You should."

"What do I say? 'Gee, I'm really sorry tortured you I nearly to death?'"

"Maybe not in those exact words." He smiled gently at her. "But first answer this, are you sorry?"

She looked away. That could just be the problem. Was she really sorry? "I don't know." She finally said. "I want to be…. I'm just not sure."

He continued to look at her in that calmly annoying way, "Think you can do it?"

"No. I mean there are just some things you can't apologize for, no matter how sorry you are, there are just some things you can't fix."

He nods, knowing what she means. She wasn't not talking about Wesley anymore. "But you have to try, don't you?"

"She'll never forgive me." She walks away. "God, it hurts. I hate that it hurts like this."

Angel followed her. "Oh well, it's supposed to hurt. All that pain, all that suffering you caused is coming back on you. Feel it! Deal with it! Then maybe you've got a shot at being free."

"Free…." She mutters. She's not even sure she wants to be free. _He _can get her when she's free, when she's alone. The world isn't safe for her anymore. "Oh god. B - how am I ever going to make things right with her?" It's more of a plea than anything.

"Faith this isn't about Buffy."

"Of course it is. Life's not worth living if I can't have back. She's the only person that tried to be my friend, went out of her way to find the good in me – and love me, and I screwed her over. Not to mention her boyfriend…"

"Faith, you and I never actually…."

"Not you, the new one." She meets his eyes are she growls out the words. Her own pain is reflected in his eyes, they both feel it.

He turns and leaves before pausing to look back at her. "It's good you know. That you can say it." He walks away. "Good . . . "

~&~&~&~

There wasn't much on the t.v. as she channel flicked. The popcorn was lukewarm but she didn't feel like getting up to re-heat it. Angel poked his head out of the bathroom, "Is everything ok there?"

"It was touch and go for the four minutes you left me alone, but somehow I got through it." She changed the channel as Angel closed the door.

A police report came on the screen. Her picture flashes on the screen and the reporter announces that the police are looking for her. Reaching for her drink she missed and knockd it over. Angel hurried into the room at the noise, pulling on his shirt.

"Faith, it's ok, alright? We knew about this." He approaches slowly. "Nothing's changed, alright? Nothing's …." He fades of watching the report, before switching the t.v. off with the remote. "Listen to me Faith. You're safe here. You hear me? You're safe."

As he finished speaking a thing hanging from the ceiling attacks. Before Faith has had a chance to think she's fighting, reacting. Then he's dead. There's a bloody knife in her hand and she can't take her eyes off it. "No." She drops the knife shaking.

Angels comes to her bringing her to sit on the bed as he mumbles words of comfort. She wraps her arms around Angel's neck, careful not to touch him with her bloody hands.

Then Angel gets up and is buttoning up his shirt. She's not sure what to make of it, unsure who she heard come down the stairs. But she can feel her, though she doesn't want it to be true. "Buffy." Faith feels herself vibrate, as she continues to stare at her hands. "I didn't know you…" She hear Angel fade off, can feel the tension in the room. It's suffocating.

"How … What are you doing?"

Faith can hear the shock, the horror, the pain in Buffy's voice. Echoes of her cries that day run through Faith's head.

Angel answers. "She – we were attacked."

"We? You and ….?"

"Faith."

"You and Faith."

Faith turns at that. She can hear the twinge of jealousy in her voice. "It's not what you think." Faith blurts out, almost feeling like she has no part in this conversation.

"You think I can actually form a thought right now?" She glares at Faith before looking back at Angel, "Giles heard that she tried to kill you."

"That's true." He states.

"So you decided to punish her with a severe cuddling?"

"Is that why you're here? To punish her? Or is it about revenge?"

"Revenge?" She sounds angry. "I was worried about you!"

"I can take care of myself." He retorts, "I think it's Faith that needs help now."

Buffy's head moves so quickly Faith can hardly perceive it, she stares at Faith, who meets her eyes begrudgingly. They're hard, cold, Faith shivers. The anger and hurt there is almost overwhelming.

"Help? Do you have any idea what she did to me?"

"Yes."

"Do you care?"

"Don't you?" He pauses, but Buffy doesn't respond. "She wasn't to change. She has a chance to. . . ."

"No. No chance. Jail." Faith cringes at that word. And Buffy means.

"But with your help..." Angel starts.

"No." Buffy all but shouts.

Faith climbs slowly to her feet, moving towards Buffy. "Buffy. I – I'm sorr-" But Buffy doesn't let her get the words out.

"Apologize to me and I will beat you to death."

She feels tears fill her eyes. "Go ahead. I deserve it."

For a second the hardness in Buffy's eyes wavers, but it is quickly brought back as Angel steps in front of Faith. "This is not going to happen."

"I don't think this is you're battle Angel."

"Faith, go upstairs." She stares at him, then at Buffy. Her gaze freezes on Buffy. She looks the same as in Sunnydale. Just as beautiful, just as strong, but just as cloaked. Faith isn't getting anywhere near her, not again.

Faith goes to leave, but Buffy moves to stop her. "Don't you move a …"

Faith stays to see Angel hit Buffy before she leaves. That's something she learnt a long time ago to step out of. There was just too much history with them two.

She hears someone ever behind her as she pauses to look down the stairs. "Faith?" She turns to see Wesley standing there. "Going somewhere?"

She stares back down the stairs. Buffy and Angel. Down there. Alone. She trys to push the jealousy away. "No. Just wanted to be alone."

"Angel downstairs."

"Yeah." With Buffy she mentally adds. She should be there. This whole thing is her fault.

"Right."

~&~&~&~

Faith knew they hadn't been left alone for long enough by the look on Angel's face. Not that Wesley had given her much choice, and she didn't much feel like arguing.

"Faith, I told you…." He starts.

Wesley cuts him off. "Slight change of plan." He looks at her. "Get your coat."

"Wesley, what's going on?"

She'd like to hear that the answer to that too.

"In about twenty minutes the Council's operations team is coming in here. They'll expect to find you gone and her drugged." He holds up the syringe, as if to prove he's telling the truth.

A shiver runs down her spine. She needs to get out of here. It's probably not the council. Or it could be. They could be working with _him_. She backs away, letting them continue the conversation. She'll run, while she still has a chance.

Hurrying in to the roof she stands on the edge, getting ready to jump. Faith knows she can make it to the next building, but does she want to? She glances back toward the door, hearing a footsteps on the stairs. A shiver runs down her spine, telling her just who it is. Unsure why, she waits.

She can hear the helicopters in the background. Coming for her. Faith doesn't know what to do. She hasn't felt so lost, not since she left, and was caught again.

"You're not going to run, Faith."

She turns to look at Buffy. "There is nothing I can do for you, B. I can't ever make it right."

"So you're just going to take off again?"

"It would make things easier for you."

Buffy scoffed at that. "Easy? You think this is easy?"

"Angel said there was no way you were gonna give me a chance."

"I gave you every chance! You were in Sunnydale!" Buffy's face hardened even more, "I loved you! That wasn't enough though, was it Faith?" She looked away, composing herself. "Would it have ever been?"

Faith didn't know what to say to that. Was there even a response?

Buffy continued anyway. "My life was just something for you to play with. Angel - Riley - anything that you could take from me - you took. I've lost battles before - but nobody else has -ever- made me a victim."

"You can't stand that can you? You're all about control. You have no idea what it's like on the other side. To be out of control. To be so lost, and alone, that you've nothing left!" Faith shouted back at her, feeling hurt and angry. She just wanted Buffy to understand.

"Shut up!"

"Just tell me how to make it better."

The door to the roof opens and a man opens fire. Buffy dives at Faith rolling the two of them out of the way. "I think we can make it to the other building."

Faith looks over, assessing the jump, "Go."

"Now!" They run for the edge but a black helicopter lands before they can reach it. A man hangs out the door machine gun in hand. They run back, finding cover behind a skylight.

Buffy looks at Faith. Something passes between them, "I have to take this guy out. The guy with the gun up there will go for me. You stay here."

"Ok." Buffy lunges at him.

Faith watches them fight for a moment, tempted to go help even as Angels comes shooting through the skylight to grab for the helicopter. Faith moves away, they don't need her help. She takes another look at Buffy before turning and leaving. She knows what she must do now. Buffy told her, and it may be her only chance. The only way she may ever get Buffy back. And she will be safe, safe from _him _anyway.

~&~&~&~

In the police station she can hear Buffy and Angel arguing. She was hoping she could do this without them there. But maybe its better they hear. She looks over her shoulder at them, standing up as the blonde officer walks over to her. "I'd like to make a confession."

The time passes in a blur. She confesses, to it all. The murders, the theft, everything. She can see the looks in the faces that surround her, but that doesn't matter to her. The only face she wants to see is nowhere to be found.

Faith assumes Buffy has left as she is escorted to a holding cell. She's not sure what happens now, but hopefully she's on the right path. Her head bangs of the wall as she leans back against it. She doesn't care. Her eyes slid closed. This is going to be hard.

~To Be Continued~

Wow, can't believe how long it took me to get that finished. Anyway, hope you like it, and please let me know! I'm on placement at the moment so it may be a few weeks before I get another chapter up.

**Next Chapter:** Judgement


	7. Prison Life

**No Such Thing as Love**

~Ok so this took a lot longer than I expected. I am trying to veer off canon, but keep to it at the same time. I have my last exam tomorrow though so hopefully it won't take quite as long to get the next few chapters up. Let me know what you think. ~

_Chapter Seven__: Prison Life _

Sometimes it wasn't as bad as all that. Sometimes it was worse. Ever since she'd arrived she'd been classed as dangerous. At first she was proud of it. They kept her separate from the others, made sure she couldn't fight.

But in the end the isolation got to her. She fought the guards, the other inmates, anyone let near her, and the slightest word set her off. It was agony sometimes. They beat on her, and she let them. Her mind moved from extremes of depression to episodes of mania. Nothing was easy, and she didn't feel like anything was changing.

Faith wasn't sure what she expected from the place. It was prison. They had movies, normally chick flicks. She had to sit through them, at the back with the guards. That was so much harder than she thought. Being apart from the others seemed so much worse then, like her own individual hell. After a time she tried anything to talk to someone. She flirted with the younger guys left to guard her, chatted with the older ones, and argued with the fiercer looking ones. Mostly all she got for her efforts was a stony cold silence. She hated it.

In the end it was good behaviour that got her out of her situation. She could mingle with the other girls on one condition; she had to see a councillor. It was worth it, at least she figured it was. A part of her saw it as a good thing, someone to talk to and help her sort out her problems. But then there was the fear of that someone would actually know her.

On her first day out everyone avoided her, so she avoided them. That didn't last long. Soon they we're fighting her, trying to build a rep by taking her out. Of course none of them succeeded. But they walked away alive.

The hardest part wasn't the beatings she got for fighting, but watching the other girl walk away. She knew she could take them, each and every one of them. But she didn't. Her one hope of ever leaving was on good behaviour. She wasn't sure what would happen, or where she would go, but she knew she wanted out.

The day of her first meeting with the councillor went about as well as she had expected. She was escorted to the prison doctor's office, which doubled as the councillor's office the two days a week she came. Faith was cuffed to the chair and left there.

Being there was weird. She had worried about it, unsure what to expect, what they expected and knowing that she couldn't do anything. Nothing she would say could help. That was the truth and that was what hurt so much. She desperately needed help, but nothing could change the past.

"I'm Dawn." The red head introduced herself, and fell silent, presumably waiting for Faith to respond.

Faith was thrown back in time to Sunnydale where another girl, a brunette, introduced herself as Dawn. She had liked her immediately; she was so fun to tease. Visions of Dawn flashed before her eyes, it was only then that she saw the hate that had grown in Dawn's eyes the months before Faith had left. Yeah, even the little bit had known what she had done to Buffy.

Faith looked at the woman in front of her. She looked nothing like the little bit, but there was something about her faith liked. Maybe it was that she was from outside, who knew? All Faith knew was that she liked her. This could work, if she gave it a chance.

"Faith."

Dawn smiled slowly, having waited patiently for a response. "It's nice to meet you."

Faith was silent. She didn't know if she was meant to respond or not.

"Do you know why you're here?" Dawn asked, her tone kindly but not patronising.

"I guess. They wanted me to see someone so I could mix with the other inmates."

"Is that all you want from this?"

"Er, what do you mean?" Faith paused. "Like do I want to get better?"

"Do you think there's something wrong with you that needs fixing?"

Faith stared at her. Shouldn't Dawn be answering Faith questions instead of asking more. This was confusing. "I don't know."

"That's ok." Dawn said smiling lightly. "A lot of people come to me without really knowing what they want. That's what we wish to establish first." She opened a folder on her desk. "Now the prison gives me a booklet on you, but I'd like you to tell me a bit about yourself." She looked expectantly at Faith.

"Ok well I'm here for well basically I needed to survive so I slept with a bunch of guys for money, then robbed them blind and killed them if they got violent." That summed it up well, she didn't know how else to respond. "I gave myself up and now I'm here."

"That tells me why you're in prison, but doesn't tell me anything about you." Dawn replied evenly, still watching Faith.

"I don't know what you want me to say." Wasn't that what this was about? Weren't her mistakes what they needed to focus on?

"Well why don't we start with something simple? Tell me what you like doing?"

"What I like doing?" Faith was unsure, she didn't really have many hobbies. "I don't really know. I like fighting, but that's not really helpful. I used to read, if that counts."

"Of course that does. What types of books?"

It was almost that simple. Faith started talking, just about the things she used to do, when she was a child, before she was called, before things went wrong. She'd almost forgotten this side of herself. She used to read a lot, to watch movies, to dance, that wasn't her anymore.

The hour passed in no time. Surprisingly Faith felt better for it.

"That was very good Faith." Dawn praised her, and Faith couldn't help but be a little pleased, though she tried not to show it. "Would you like to meet again next week?"

"I have a choice?" Faith hadn't expected that.

"Well there are other councillors who come, you could see one of those if you prefer, or you could not come. It's up to you. I can't help you if you don't want me to." It was stated in a very matter of fact voice, and Faith appreciated the honesty.

She squirmed a bit in her seat, unsure what to do. "I think I'd like to come again, maybe talk some more?" It was a question; she wasn't used to having a choice in these things anymore.

"That's fine, you're in control in these sessions. Ok for next week I'd like you to think about what we have talked about and what you would like to talk about." She paused to look at the book on her desk. "Maybe you could try reading again, and think about why you stopped some of the hobbies you so used to enjoy. We can talk about that next week as well. Is that ok?"

Faith nodded, she wasn't sure if she was happy with that or not, but it was worth trying and she could vague up a few things if needed.

The guards came in and took her back to her cell. Faith was confused, it went so much better than she thought. Maybe she should try reading or something, there was a library here, though she had never been.

~&~_ Judgement (Angel, Season 2, Episode 01) _~&~

Time passed slowly in prison. Sometimes she was happy, sometimes she was sad, sometimes she wasn't anything. Weeks felt like months, days like weeks, it seems like she'd been there forever, when only a few months had passed.

Her sessions with Dawn had gotten more intense. It was harder to go back every week, but she kept going. Sometimes she didn't say anything, and they'd just sit there in silence for the hour. Those were almost worse than when they did talk. Dawn insisted on finding out how Faith felt about not talking, if it helped, why there were weeks she didn't talk, and Faith just didn't have the answers to those questions.

Still it helped. And she seemed to be on the right track until things went down hill. The others still fought her, and so far they had all walked away alive. She felt that was progress. What was a few broken limbs compared to death? Dawn didn't feel the same way. Neither did the guards, and she usually had her own bruises to match the girls.

It was just one of those days when Angel came to visit. "How you doing?"

She almost laughed at that, how did she explain how she was doing? Honesty was the best policy though, "Pretty good, I guess. I did sign up for this."

"Regretting the choice?"

Surprisingly she didn't. It was just another bad day. Dawn had taught her how to put things into perspective. "Bad day. One of the girls in the yard tried to build a rep by throwing down with me. She had low self esteem, and a home-made knife, so."

A part of her still loved that Angel assumed the girl was dead. She was trying to over power that part, to let it fade into the background. Still she liked the person she was becoming, well trying to become. And that person hated that Angel assumed she'd killed the girl. If the beatings taught her anything, it was that it wouldn't be worth it.

"I had to sing Barry Manilow." At least Angel had a sense of humour, something to look forward to on his visits.

"You're kidding."

"In front of people."

Faith had to really try not to laugh there. "And here I am talking about my petty little problems."

"Just wanted to give you a little perspective." He smiled lightly, surprisingly she was glad to see it.

Angel didn't stay for long, but the visit made a crappy day less crappy. Unfortunately his visit was followed by yet another session with Dawn, and she just wasn't in the mood.

She said Hi and then stopped. Faith didn't say a word for the whole hour, not sure what to was expect but that's how it went down. At the end of the hour Dawn asked her how she felt about spending an hour in silence. Faith told her it seems liked a waste of a session and left. Normally she didn't mind the silence with Dawn, but she was getting restless.

Time passes slowly in prison. But before Faith knew it she had been there for 2 years. She had never got around to making friends in prison, but she was much happier now. It had been a long time since anyone had attacked her though, and that was enough for her.

She still saw Dawn once every other week. Things had progressed well. Faith had only told her what she needed to know, probably more than she'd meant to, but Dawn didn't know about Slayers which was the main thing. Turns out talking about things actually works.

It had taken the first year to sort out her life, if it could actually be consideredsorted. She still had a lot of problems, but she was no longer angry at her mother, or her sister, or even Jake. Time in prison had given her time to think, to move on and to free herself from the fear that had been holding her back for so long.

"The best way to move forward can sometimes be to move backwards." Dawn had said.

"What does that mean?" Faith had finally worked out the answer to her own question. That was when things had really started to change for her, she was becoming who she could have been, or should have been.

It was harder than it should have been, to let go of all that anger. Compared to letting go of the fear though, that was easy. She had never realized just how afraid she had been. Now she worked to free herself from that fear by reconnecting with who she had been. That's how she came to write letters to the people she'd left behind, ones she had tried so hard to forget, who had probably forgotten her.

The first letter she wrote was probably the easiest. She wrote to her mother. The woman she had scorned for so many years for things that she now understood where no more her fault than Faiths.

"Sharon, Mom, its Faith if you even remember me. I'm not sure why I'm writing now, but things have changed so much for me that I'm hoping well wishing the same is true for you. I need to see you again, come visit me. I'm in prison in the State Penitentiary in California. Faith."

"It's brief." Dawn stated after reading it.

Faith shrugged continuing to look out the window. "There wasn't much else to say."

"Are you sure about that?"

Faith sighed, looking back, "I'm not even sure she knows how to read."

Dawn seemed to decide to change tactics. "Do you want her to come?"

"Yes, maybe. I want to see her, to see what she's become. She was never a great mum, but I think she did her best, in her own fucked up way."

"Have you written the other letters yet?"

"Tried, but they're harder. I don't think Buffy wants to hear from me."

"That's not the letter I meant."

Faith nodded carefully. "I've written it, not sure she'll want to read it though."

"Can I?"

"Cara,

I miss you.

Faith."

"Is that all you want to say?"

"It's honest."

"Ok."

There was a moment of silence. Faith had expected an argument.

"Will you post them?" Dawn asked.

"I think so. Don't expect a response though, not even sure I want one from Cara."

"Post them." Dawn advised. "We'll see what happens."

So Faith posted them and waited.


	8. Moving On

**No Such Thing as Love**

Just a hint, but this is more of a summary of the 3 Angel episodes that Faith appeared in so you may want to watch those before reading this, although you should understand it without watching them.

_Chapter Eight: Salvage (Angel, Season 4, Episode 13)_

She waited and waited, but still no responses came. Faith wasn't sure what she had expected but something would have been better than nothing. Though, as Dawn said, it depended what the something was. In the end she never got the chance to find out. Wesley turned up before any reply came, and she had to leave. Duty called and all that.

It seemed like a normal enough day when she woke. The sun was high in the sky as guard announced her appearance by number. 430019. A number that was hers. It was all they ever called her. In some ways, if wasn't for Dawn, she may have forgotten her own name.

Her days were spent exercising when she was outside. If she stayed inside she read. Things changed today. As she worked, easily pulling her slight bulk up and down on the bar, she sensed more than saw someone approach her and pull a knife. Instinct took over as she kicked the woman in the face and dismounted from the bar, landing easily on her feet.

_Deb_ That was unexpected. As far as Faith knew Deb had no reason to wish harm to her. "OK, you got my attention. What's your beef, Deb? You really ought to think twice." Deb swung at Faith with the knife while Faith pushed her away. "Or not."

"Nothing personal. I need the money."

That was a surprise. Things here were rarely as simple as needing money. Normally it was personal, or at least someone trying to improve their standing. It didn't matter in the long run anyway, Faith used a bell bar to break Deb's nose.

Luckily that was when it ended. She wasn't to be punished as it was recognised as self defence. They saw, didn't help her much though, at least she could take care of herself. The guard was right though, who would be crazy enough to try and take her out? She looked thoughtfully at the knife Deb had used. It looked pricey.

When Wesley came to visit it was most unexpected. She'd been told lawyer, but honestly she'd expected Angel more than anything, maybe even a Wolfram and Heart lawyer, but not him, never him.

She had to start with a joke, lighten the mood, "They told me my lawyer was here to see me. You my lawyer now, Wes?"

He ignored it, asking how she was. She was honest, she never had thought she'd see the day he came to visit her, but she doubted this was a social call.

"A lot's happened." Wesley stated. That was no understatement. She had heard about LA.

"Yeah I seen the news. Never-ending night, rain of fire, you guys must busy."

"You don't know the half of it."

She doubted she knew anything these days. Leaning forward she took in the faint stress lines on his face, the less than perfect creases in his trousers, something was going down. "So you here to fill me in? Need my help? Cause I hate to burst that bubble but I'm rather busy here." She held up her hand to stop him interrupting. "I know its Armageddon, again. Well Angel's got that one covered, last thing you need is me in the mix."

"You're exactly who we need. Angel's gone Faith." That was unexpected. "Angelus is back."

She may not be ready to leave, hell she didn't want to leave, but damn it she had to. With a last look around and a quick "Step away from the glass to Wesley", she hung up the phone and jumped through the glass head first. Quickly dispatching of the waiting security guard she grabbed Wesley and the two of them jumped out the window.

Luckily his car was near where the landed, and they were off towards LA before anyone could stop them.

Wesley explained things to her as they drove. There clearly was a lot she didn't know, and in a way she was glad of it. After a warm up fight, and a promise not to kill Angel, they arrives at the hotel.

Cordelia wasn't happy to see her, but in the end that didn't matter much to Faith. She was here to repay a favour to Angel. To save his soul as much as he had saved hers, which basically meant returning it to his body, he could deal from there. Anyway she was back once this was over, to wait on for replies and do her time. Nothing else for it.

Pushing the more morbid thoughts from her head, she headed out with the crew to find Angelus. They seemed good enough, only one she worried about was the teenager, Angel's kid. He wasn't too trustworthy.

Challenging her was Connor's main mistake though. "He'll do what I tell him."

"Yeah sure I will." Connor nods and walks away.

Stopping Connor she pushed him against the dumpster once more. "I get it, you're a super being."

Trying to take her was his mistake. And he worked it out as she held the crossbow to his neck. "Are you a murderer? 'Cause I am. If it comes down to you or Angelus, you haven't shown me a thing to make me want to take your side."

He gave up at that, but as she continued on with Wesley her thoughts dwelled on the incident. Would she have killed him? She didn't know, but she needed to. Any reluctance could be the end of her, especially when she was facing Angelus. An answer wasn't forthcoming, she doubted it would be, at least not until she no choice but to decide.

Finding Angelus wasn't as difficult as she expected, but then what was? The welcome sign was both a surprise, and not. He was smart enough to find out she was there, still an element of surprise to her attack would have been advantages.

When it came to it though she doubted it would have helped, Angelus was strong alone, never mind with The Beast as back-up. It hurt like hell, pain she hadn't felt in years. Crawling away once more, unsuccessfully, nearly killed her. It wasn't the pain though, it was the memories. She still remembered crawling away before, when she was much weaker. Turned out even slayer strength couldn't protect her.

"This is all you are? I had heard the slayer possessed great strength, but there's no real power here. My master's power is beyond all limits, beyond your petty imagining. You are weak. You're nothing. You could not even defeat me."

It was Angelus that came to her aide then, in a way. "Ain't that the truth? I mean, look at this guy, hmm? Pretty much the only thing that could do damage to that thick, stony hide . . . is himself. Or, maybe, I don't know, a piece of himself."

Faith couldn't see what he had done, but she heard the screams of agony as The Beast seemed to explode before her eyes. Angelus' celebratory cries of "I knew it" did not make her feel better. The return of the sun did though. Ignoring Angelus' speech she swung a heavy hook and chain towards him, knowing it would miss but watching as it broke a window letting the sun in.

&~_ Release (Angel, Season 4, Episode 14) ~&_

Returning to Wesley's apartments, defeated, was possibly the hardest thing Faith had ever forced herself to do. In a way she'd almost gone too far to care as Wesley handed her a cold pack to press to her jaw.

"You were nearly killed." He stated.

It was true, but she couldn't afford to dwell on it. "I could use a shower."

He gestured toward the door. Without really thinking about it, she handed him the ice pack and began to remove her jacket as she walked toward the shower.

Stripping slowly revealed the multitude of injuries on her body, old scars and new cuts. Moving hurt, transporting her back to a time when pain was all she knew. Cara's face flashes in front of her. Shaking it off, she climbed weakly into the shower turning into the steaming hot water.

The water ran red over her beaten body, and something cracked. Faces flashed before her; her mum, Cara, Jake, Buffy….. She punched the wall, letting a small amount of her frustration out. Before she knew it she was pounding the wall into shards that coated the floor of the shower.

It was only when she stopped screaming that she realized she had been. Closing her eyes she moved into the stream of hot water, stepping on shards of tile and plaster. She felt better, but that didn't mean anything had changed. As she finally stepped out of the shower she pulled the mask back into place.

Faith stepped into the living room as Wesley packed a bag. "Squeaky clean lets go." His continued stare prompts her to apologize for the bathroom. She should offer to pay for the repairs but she can't afford to.

Running into Angelus again wasn't as demoralizing as she had expected. Doing some damage would have been nice though. Still seeing him grab Wesley she had frozen in a way that made no sense to her. Gunn's timely arrival made all the difference, and she was grateful she hadn't had to make the decision.

Even Wesley's anger didn't change things. She felt guilty but that was why she had to stop him. Still Faith knew she couldn't kill him. Angelus was a demon, but Angel was her only chance. Had been her only chance. Wesley had cracked though. Stress could do that sometimes. She had never seen torture as his thing though, but he got what they needed.

"You crossed it back there Wes. What you did-"

He cut her off. "You have a problem with torture now?"

"That's not me anymore." And it wasn't. It couldn't be. Not if she wanted, well hoped, to see Buffy again.

Faith almost panicked when Wesley showed her the shotgun in a different way, a threatening way. "I remember what you did to me, Faith. The broken glass, the shallow cuts so I would remain conscious."

"You think I'd hurt you again?" She was confidant she wouldn't, he wasn't.

"You haven't changed. You can't. Because you're sick. It goes right down to the roots rotting your soul. That's why your friends turned on you in Sunnydale, why the Watchers' Council tried to kill you. No one trusts you, Faith."

She snapped, pushing Wesley hard against the fence and raising it to hit him. She stepped back. Yeah she was easy to rile up. "No."

"You have to be willing to take it all the way, Faith."

"I can't risk killing Angel. Not after what he's done for me. There's got to be another way."

They moved on to the bookshop, where they eventually located Angel. Another fight hadn't been part of her plan, but then when did these things ever go to plan? The bite was the worst though, it hurt a hell of a lot more than she expected, but she had long accepted that sometimes one needed to suffer in order to do what was right. And she needed to suffer. May as well do some good while she was at it.

&~ _Orpheus (Angel, Season 4, Episode 15) _~&

Of course it was all part of the plan to capture Angelus. Still she was glad when he finally released her. She couldn't stand for long after that and faded in a darkness. What shocked her however, was where she opened her eyes. A memory, Angel's memory. So this is how she would get him back. It's almost laughable that it could be that simple, but then she doubted it would be. As long as he stayed out of her memory though, that's all that mattered.

It is interesting though. To see Angel's life. Pity it's the last thing she will get the chance to do. A wave of sadness sweeps over her as she thinks of everything she missed, of the things she's messed up. Shaking it off she watches Angelus watching Angels' life. Suicidal tendencies? Maybe not but in a way he's right, she gave up her life to save his.

Still she can't help but hope that things will get better, they'll find a way to save her. She doubts it though. As much as they wanted her help, they never wanted her. Anyway her death will mean a new slayer is called, maybe one who won't mess up quite as badly as she has. They probably want that.

She wanders if anyone knows these stories from Angel's past? Did he tell Buffy? Probably not. Seeing him feed on the dead clerk? That she wasn't ready for, so convinced that once he had the soul he was good she was that it didn't occur to her that he could give in. How did she have a chance?

She'd always had a soul, that had never stopped her. Right then she decided it was better that she died. Even if she never got to see her mum, Cara or Buffy again, at least she couldn't hurt them any more. First she had a job to do, she had to get through to Angel.

"Maybe cause it's nothing to do with you, jackass." Angel's voice had never sounded so good.

"I don't believe this! You're the one behind this whole true-Hollywood sob-story?" Angelus responds.

"Angel, it's good to see you." She pauses. "Hate the hair."

"Faith, why are you still here?"

She wished she knew the answer to that, but she had a horrible feeling she may be stuck here. Still she couldn't say that could she. "Just waiting to see this pervert get stuffed back into the deep, crazy ground he came from."

"Then what? After that, what happens?" The concern in his voice was almost too much to take. She couldn't tell him she would die. A magical drug, well it was her choice, in a way. The kick was unexpected as she falls to the ground. That was too easy. She tries to rise but can't.

Angel and Angelus fight, but she can't do anything about it. Hearing her name from Angel's mouth she tries again. She can't get up. This is it. She's dying. "Angel, I'm dying." She passes out then, vision dimming as the lights seem to flutter out around her.

Faith wakes as Angel calls her name. She feels more orientated, "I've rolled the bones. You for me." Did that make sense?

"I used to think that. That there'd be a point when I'd paid my dues." Angel must have understood her, even if, in a way, the words confused her.

She watches Angelus knock Angel out, "Anybody notice a battle with your alter-ego going on here?"

He's back and the fight continues. She waits not helping, not even really wanting to. Angel takes a break to talk to her again. He's right. Their time is never up. She will always pay for what she has done and the pain she caused. Death sounds so good right now.

"Get up! You have to get up now. Faith, you have to fight. I need you to fight. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Angel calls to her.

Does she have to? Watching Angel she knows she does. Faith goes in for it, and watches as the pipe heads towards her, right before she wakes up. She knows where she has to be, running down to the cage where she knew Angelus would be tied up.

Looks like she arrived just in time. Pulling Connor away she fights him, unsure how far it will go until Angel grabs him. It's over, well the fight is anyway.

It all passes in a blur from there. Before she knows it she's in a car on the way to Sunnydale. To Buffy, home and where, apparently, she's needed. Even as the car drives out of LA, she wishes she could turn back. Buffy, she wasn't ready.

"We really do need you Faith." Willow's eyes study the road ahead of her, but somehow Faith know Willow's watching her.

"Yeah, end of the world and all that. Thought you guys had got this while apocalypse thing sorted?"

"There's always another one."

Faith smiled gently out the window at the easy banter between the two. She'd expected Willow to be less accepting. Looking carefully at Willow she startes to ask, "Does – ". She cuts herself off.

"She wants to see you." Willow states, as if reading her mind.

Faith looks out the window again. There is no response to that. Buffy. She was going to see Buffy. Shouldn't she be excited about that?

Ok so that took slightly longer than I expected, but I finally finished it. Anyway I've started the next chapter and my plan is to finish this by Christmas, but how well that will go I don't know (starting my final year at uni next week). So I'm changing the layout slightly, mostly cause I don't really like the next season, so it will be very loosely based on what happened then. Well let me know what you think, or if you have any suggestions.

Dervly x


	9. Sunnydale

**No Such Thing as Love**

_Chapter Nine: Sunnydale_

The journey to Sunnydale took too long but at the same time ended too quickly for Faith. After their brief conversation on leaving LA, neither Willow nor Faith had bothered making conversation. It had been pretty silent, but not awkward.

At one point they had stopped for gas and for coffee, but otherwise they had pretty much driven the whole way. Faith knew Willow had called Buffy when they stopped, to let her know they were coming. Willow had clearly wanted to Faith to talk to her, but Faith just wasn't up to it.

Arriving in Sunnydale brought back memories. She remembered when it was home, when arriving here would have been a good thing, and then she remembered leaving. It hadn't been home in a long time. Would Sunnydale ever be home again? She doubted it.

The drive to the house seemed longer than she remembered, in spite of the complete lack of traffic.

"It's quiet."

"What?" Willow's eyes remained focused on the road.

"No cars." Faith didn't bother gesturing.

"Yeah." Willow glanced over. "Most people left town. Pretty much mass evacuation last week. A little too much evil, even for Sunnydale."

Faith continued looking out the window. The streets looked familiar but they weren't comfortable anymore.

A shudder ran through Faith as they pulled onto Buffy's street. She was back. Stepping out of the car, Buffy's cries from that day echoed in Faith's ears once more. The house looked the same as Willow moved round towards the door. The door Buffy was behind.

"I . . . Should-" She started, unsure what to say.

"What is it now?" Willow asked, exacerbated.

Faith didn't know what to say. So she didn't, starting up to the door.

Willow let them in, Faith following closely behind. The house looked the same, but it felt different. Dawn and Giles were in the dining room while Xander and Buffy came over from the living room.

It was awkward. For a moment no one said anything, then voices broke out everywhere. They knew she was coming, but it didn't sound like anyone was too happy about it. Faith could feel herself stumbling back, ready to run again.

"We need her." Buffy's voice penetrated the argument until there was nothing left to say.

Faith looked up to meet her eyes. The coldness she'd seen before was still there, directed at her. "Buffy."

Buffy looked at her but nothing showed on her face. Faith couldn't read her, had no idea how she felt. That did for Faith. She backed out to the door. "I can't stay here." It was a statement of truth.

"No you can't." That was Dawn. Obviously she had grown since Faith has last seen her, and she was fairly protective of her big sister.

"Most of the houses round here are empty." Giles let her know. "There are some potentials on either side of us, maybe you could stay across the road."

There was no maybe about it. She turned and left. The small bag of things she had collected in LA was at the front door where she had left it. Picking it up she crossed the road to find somewhere to stay. She heard the door slam closed behind her.

Luckily for Faith the first house she tried was abandoned, and obviously so. There wasn't much furniture there, just enough to get by. She had a couch and a bed. No electric though, clearly the owners had been organized enough to cancel the electricity. Still there was a roof, and a bathroom to herself, how could she complain?

She wanted to go back across the road though. To talk to Buffy, who was so close but seemed further away than ever. Not that she would though, no she was going to be a good little slayer and go out to slay. It was better than sitting around in an empty house.

Buffy watched Faith leave the house, wanting nothing more than to join her. She couldn't though. Buffy had responsibilities, a job to do to prevent the apocalypse, in that sense Faith was just the extra muscle she needed. Except to Buffy she was so much more than that.

The others had fallen silent with Faith's departure. All of them watching Buffy to see what she would say or do. Buffy wasn't quite ready to respond though. It was Willow who spoke first.

"Well that was helpful."

"What do you mean?" Asked Xander. "We got rid of her didn't we?"

Willow glared at him. "And just about ensured that she's as pissed off and hurt as possible."

"She hurt Buffy, you think she doesn't deserve to be hurt for what she did to her?" Dawn pointed out.

"That's not what I'm-"

Dawn cut her off, "but it is. You want us to be nice to her."

"I just think you could try being more understanding. We were her friends once."

"Yeah a long long time ago." Dawn pointed out. "And we won't be again."

"Why's that?" Buffy asked, finally breaking her silence.

"Well because of what she did you."

Buffy walked away, looking out the window in the living room to see Faith enter a house across the street. "We need her. We should make sure she helps us." She turned back round to look at them. "And that means being nice, not chucking her out at the first chance we get."

Willow nodded her agreement, but Xander and Dawn where not exactly keen to back off. Xander had never liked Faith, he'd tried but in the end jealousy got the best of him. As for Dawn, Faith's departure had hurt her almost as much as it had hurt Buffy and she wasn't keen to repeat that pain again.

It's Giles who stopped the approaching argument though. "Buffy's right, we need her help. If she's willing to help."

"But you-" Buffy started, unsure how to finish.

"I asked her to live across the street because I figured that would be easier on you, at least for now." He explained gently. "Ok everyone, it's late so let's get some sleep. We have a lot of work to do tomorrow."

They looked round awkwardly before slowly leaving the room until only Buffy and Dawn remained.

"Don't Dawn." Buffy said to stop Dawn mouthing off. "I know her leaving hurt you, but well sometimes I wonder-"

"Wonder what?"

"If she really wanted to go." Buffy moved to sit in the Living Room, Dawn joining her on the couch.

"Buffy, don't do this to yourself. She left you, no explanation, she was just gone."

"But why?"

Dawn could see the anguish in her eyes again, the same pain she had seen there when Faith first lost. She put her arm around her sister squeezing hard, "I don't know Buffy."

Buffy shrugged her off, looking away. "Go to bed Dawn." She stared out the window, refusing to look round at Dawn. She could see the worry in her sister's eyes, but the only pair of eyes that mattered to her was those in the house across the street.

The lights were off as see looked out the window. Maybe Faith had gone to bed, maybe there was no electricity, maybe maybe maybe. A few too many maybes for Buffy. She pushed her self up, crossing the street, she had to talk to Faith.

Buffy knocked on the door waiting for an answer. As she stood there it occurred to her that this may not even be the right house, she only assumed this was. What if it was the wrong one?

Just as she began to doubt herself, deciding to wait until the light of day to visit Faith, too nervous to face her, the door opened. Faith stood there in the same clothes she had travelled up in, she looked as good as ever, maybe more so.

"Buffy."

"I just wanted to check the house was ok." She spoke slowly, knowing Faith would know it was a cover but having to say something anyway.

"Is that all?" Faith's body twisted seductively the doorway, accenting her breasts and slim waist.

Buffy struggled to reply and in her panic the words jumped out of her mouth before she could stop them, "Why did you leave?"

Faith started slightly, relaxing against the door frame. "Well I didn't feel too welcome across the road." She drawled slowly.

"No, I meant"

Faith cut her off, "I know what you meant. As I told you before, I don't love you. I never have and never will."

Buffy felt a knife plunge into her stomach ripping her heart out from below. She staggered sharply as the pain hit her on hearing those words again. "But you . . . you . . ."

"I what B?" Faith mocked her. "I came back? Is that it?" She laughed harshly. "I wanted out of prison B, and Willow gave me the perfect excuse to leave soul boy behind. It was nothing to do with you."

"You were nervous, you looked at me. Please Faith why are you doing this?" She begged staring straight into Faith's eyes, looking for any sign that Faith loved her. There was a coldness in her eyes she had never seen before, an emptiness that didn't seem possible. Buffy stumbled back.

Faith grinned at the pain on Buffy's face. "Run home little girl. I'll fight with you but then I get to go back to my life."

Buffy turned and ran, heartbroken. Faith had never treated her like this. She collapsed on the porch, unable to bring herself to enter the house. Somehow going in would make it seem so unreal. Tears streamed down her face as she stared across as the house in which Faith now resided. Reaching inside her breast pocket she pulled out the photo she carried with her always. It was ripped in half to show only her face.

&~&~& _Flashback_ &~&~&

~ **After Faith Left** ~

It was days before the tears stopped. Even then Buffy wasn't the same, she hardly spoke, could barely eat and refused to fight. Everything she did reminded her of Faith.

Her friends were there for her. Willow came over every day, trying to make Buffy return to school. It helped her in some ways, to know she wasn't alone. After 3 weeks she started to go out. She would sit in the graveyards for hours on end, remember times there with Faith. When she was attacked, she responded, but she didn't look for a fight.

There were good days and bad days. Days when she went out, when she went to school, when she was Buffy again. It was these days Willow cherished. But eventually it had to stop. They needed a Slayer.

Willow sat opposite her friend, watching her. Buffy lay quietly on Faith's side of the bed. Today was just one of those days. Buffy hadn't got up, and she didn't look like she planned to. Things were getting bad again in Sunnydale. And there was some sort of government agency causing trouble.

Buffy knew about this of course, they'd told her many times, but she just didn't care. Willow had been chosen to make her care.

The day Faith had left it had been Willow who had found Buffy. And it was Willow who had taken her inside, and got her to explain. After many tears, it was Willow who put her to bed. But more importantly, Willow had found the photo.

Buffy's favourite photo of the pair. It had been ripped in half, and the half with Faith in it was gone. She had taken it and hidden it. Even months later Buffy hadn't noticed it was missing. Today Willow would show her it, in the hope that it would bring Buffy back.

She fingered the photo gently in her hands. Twisting the edges. Willow was nervous, she was unsure how Buffy would react to this. But it was their only option.

"I'm going to show you something Buffy." Buffy didn't move. "It's something Faith left behind." Buffy sat up but didn't say anything.

Willow spoke gently, lowering her voice, "You remember you photo? Of you and Faith?"

Buffy looked round to her bedside table, it was gone. "She took it." Buffy cried a smile on her face. "She took it Will. That's it. She loves me." Buffy looked so happy Willow almost regretted having to tell her this.

"No Buffy, that's not what happened." Buffy looked at her, confusion on her face. "She didn't take it."

There was anger in Buffy's face now. "Did you take it Will? Did you?" Buffy approached her, and Willow could help but feel a hint of fear.

"I took what was left of it." She said, her voice shaking slightly. "She ripped it."

"What do you mean? She took half the photo with her?"

Willow nodded, but quickly said, "The half of herself."

"What?"

"She took the half with herself in it, not you."

Buffy sat back down shaking.

Willow moved in front of her, looking her straight in the eye, "She left you, and took herself away completely."

Buffy stared at Willow. There was anger in her eyes. "Leave me alone." Her voice was tight, controlled. Willow left.

&~&~& _End Flashback _&~&~&

Buffy felt the same anger as before fill her. Looking the photo she remembered everything it represented. The love they had once shared, but also the pain Faith had inflicted on Buffy. In her anger she ripped the photo up, shredding it into small pieces which she scattered on the porch.

Watching the paper float aimlessly to the ground she felt the pain ease in her chest, and the anger dissipate. She remembered the good times, laughing with Faith, fighting by her side, seeing the love she felt reflected in Faith's eyes. It may never have been said but she knew it was there.

Depression set in as she sat there, the world seeming to tumble around her so all she could see was Faith. Moments, memories, replayed themselves over in her mind, happy and sad. It was an ever winding landscape of dreams and nightmares. Normally tears would flood her face at this point, but not today. She had no tears left for Faith. Only pain, only despair.

Faith had loved her once, and something told Buffy she still did in spite of their most recent encounter. But if someone who loved her could treat her so, what hope was there for the world? Was love a myth?

As these questions reverberated through her tired, confused mind, she sank further down into them. The world was an evil place, filled with horrible people and pain and suffering. Why did she fight so hard to save these people? There was nothing to save.

It was in that moment that Buffy gave up and something else took over. With no hope for Faith, and an agony greater than anything she had ever felt tugging any joy from her heart, it was easy to be convinced that the world wasn't worth it. They all deserved to die, everyone who caused pain such as this. With that in mind she pushed herself off and headed in the direction of the school to do what was necessary to end the world.

Faith stood at a distance and smiled watching Buffy wander away. Well, if she couldn't win the war honestly, cheat. Buffy would do the hard work for her, and soon the world she wanted would return. Her world where humans were little more than fodder. It was a beautiful thought and she couldn't help but smirk as she set off after Buffy.

Well I tried, sorry it's taken me so long. Uni is crazy and I have loads of essay this year. Anyway I've started the next chapter. Let me know what you think of this one!

Dervly


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